More Dane Cook 2

One brother, five sisters… dude I’d have to wear a tampon just to fit in.

I don't know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey because that is a lot of evidence to eat. Unless I found a whole room of people who also wanted that person dead.

I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50.

I say fuck shoes! Your shoes do not represent you! Neither here, nor in a court of law!

You never make secret hallways normal height, they always have to be uncomfortable. Like Why the fuck did I build them like this?! Where's my Lab!?!

Wouldn't it be awesome just to come home and know that somewhere in your place there's a monkey you're gonna battle?

I invite her back to my apartment, or as I call it, the "Death Star." I'm still working on it, it's not completely operational.

Nice teeth is a turn on for me. If you open your mouth and it looks like a battle of epic proportions, I don't like it.

I HATE it when somebody turns around in my driveway. You're just sitting comfortably watching T.V., you hear a car pulling up like "Who is this?!" It's so disruptive you look out, strange car, you dont know if it's a government official. You start getting concerned "What I dont know this car," then they turn to leave you're like "You son of a bitch, you wasted moments of my life! Moments i will never get back!"

I'd like to shoot a laser out of my cock. And when I'm empty, my balls glow.

Who doesn't like movies? Who has ever said, "Hey, you wanna go see a movie?" "Fuck that and fuck you, movies! It’s ridiculous, the whole idea of it! It’s just wrong and fake and no!

When you walk into the public restroom, why is everything fucking wet?

Time machine... wouldn't you like to travel through time? I would. I'd go back..mess with people. You know what I would do? I would go back to when my mom and dad were having sex, to have me. Ya'know, come in, spank my dad on the ass, I'M YOUR SON FROM THE FUTURE!! AAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! *smack* IM FROM THE FUTURE!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAH

You're with someone for like 2 weeks in and you're like, "Fuck, no way. I can't stand this person. I'll stay around for 5-6 years and we can end this thing violently, I got time.

I was literally cheated on...I woke up and they were on top of me.

When you swear to God, its true. Right now God is watching and saying, "this is true."

Get a toilet.. when you flush it says "Thanks for shitting me.. I enjoyed your shit"

Start each day out the holy way..with Christ Chex, it's a miracle in a bowl. Just open the box and you hear AHHHHH....and then a lil' angel flies out and says 'good morning, life is beautiful!

I don't know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey because that is a lot of evidence to eat - unless I found a whole room of people who also wanted that person dead.

I wish I had some superpowers. I was thinking about that the other day. Maybe quit comedy, fight some crime. Everybody wants to fly. That's the number one power. If I could grant you a power, "Dane, I'd love to fly." Yeah? Who the fuck doesn't. Who doesn't want to leave the show tonight and be like, "Alright I'll catch you guys later." *Shwwooosh* and zip up into the skies. "I can show you the world. Shining, shimmering splendor."

"You know what you do at the next party.You shit on the coats.Then u just wait till someone comes out of the area that the coats are and the'll be all like " Someone shit on the coats " or they may say " I think someone has shit on the coats because i smell the stench of shit in the vasinity of the coat area." then to make inconspetious you say " What? I hope they didn't shit on my coat " then bam like a phantom just blend back into the croud."

I'd love to shoot a laser out of my cock. And when I'm empty my balls glow. Low fuel...balls are empty.

You know what I'd like to be able to do more than anything else? I'd love to be able to shoot spaghetti out of my fingertips. *Pppthhh.* 'Cause no one wants to be covered in spaghetti. No. If I'm on a date with a girl and she's very rude I'd be like, you know what? *PPpptthhh* Enjoy your spaghetti, you're very rude. Enjoy your spaghetti, 'cause you're rude. *Pppttthh*... these are all dreams. These are all things we want to have. (To man in audience) If I could grant you a power, any power, what would you want? Anything right now? "Dah, Jesus." You want to be Jesus? God you're such an egotistical prick. He thinks he's Jesus. Ah, Jesus. I'd love to cover him with spaghetti right now. *Ppppttthh* Enjoy your spaghetti, you're very egotistical. Ahhh Christ... Not you.

It would be great when you enter the DMV, someones just hiding there comes out and punchs you in the face..... *argh* well waiting in line ain't so bad after the punch in the face.


nobody talks to that guy...but let me tell you something, every job i ever had in my life, i talk to that guy, i'd talk to him, i'd find him on purpose and i'd have little chit chats with him and i'd be very interested and be like by the way here's a snickers, thats for you, peanuts caramel, put that in your mouth, enjoy that. you know why i talk to that guy? Because when that day finally comes and he *ffffffffffp* snaps, and he comes into work with a sotoff shot gun walkin' through the halls *gunshot noises* and he finally gets to my office he's gonna be like " *GASP* THANKS FOR THE CANDY" *continues shooting" you laugh now but you know Monday morning you're gonna be like "heyy MARCKUS"

More Dane Cook

If you have to be at work at 8, it's always like, 7:54. Just enough time to do nothing. To just lay there and go, "I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!"


It was peace. Peace is when you would shake the hands of the people around you. And you knew peace was coming because the priest would say it five times rapid fire. He'd go, "My peace I leave, my peace I give to you. While we ate Reese's Pieces with the Lord. And I have a piece of lint in my peaceful eye!"


On stage I am the actor, director and the bouncer all at the same time. Fear does not exist in this dojo does it? No Sensi! Sorry... when I get excited I have to toss in some Karate Kid quotes.


When you're not in love, when you don't have love, everybody you know falls in love on like the same day - even Karen the douche bag falls in love! Even retarded people in your neighborhood are getting married on their front lawn as you drive by, "What? The 'tards just got married on their lawn. That's great! I have nobody, and the 'tards just committed to each other for a lifetime of 'tardiness''


Has anyone here ever been fully engulfed in fire? It's gotta be so hot!


A lot of comics are kind of vampire types; we do our shows and disappear into the night. My philosophy was, this is like politics, and if I want people to know about my campaign, I'm going to go out there and shake hands.


Three weeks ago one of my dreams came true. I finally got to see something I always wanted to witness live. I finally saw someone get hit by a car... Nailed!

Dane Cook Quotes

I just want to run up and spank my dad's ass and run off screaming, "I'm your son from the future! Ahhhh!! I'm from the future, I'm your son!"



I don't like that. I don't like it when juice wears tights. It's a horrible combination, a bowl of juice wearing tights.



I always wanted to be a snake. Everytime I saw a snake of TV. I'd always say WHY NOT ME?!?!



We were so poor growing up, that little iron...we had to actually use that little iron. That's not funny. It takes a long time to iron a shirt with that tiny little iron. {Monopoly}

Anonymous Hackers Shoot For Scientologists, Hit Dutch School Kids

Dutch schoolchildren may be the first collateral damage of an online war being waged against the Church of Scientology by a motley crew of internet troublemakers who call themselves Anonymous.

Coordination broke down Friday among the loose affiliate of online troublemakers known as Anonymous as they tried to continue their ongoing attacks against Scientology.

The group has spent the last few days trying to keep down the scientology.org website via a distributed denial of service attack, posting sensitive Scientology documents around the web, and up-voting anti-Scientology stories on Digg. The attack, dubbed Project Chanology, has a wiki that attempts to tell Anonymous 'members' what to do, though the advice is ever-changing and often contradictory.

But the Church of Scientology hired Prolexic, a company that specializes in protecting websites from DDOS attacks. Prolexic's protection works by publicly substituting a Prolexic server for the attacked server, filtering out the bad traffic and passing the good traffic to the site's real server.

One of the moderators on 711chan.org thought he had learned from a friend what the real server's address was on Friday.

The user, who was using the handle Splongcat, uploaded DDOS software configured with the supposedly secret address and urged others in an internet chat room to download and run the software. The software was intended to flood the specified IP address with rogue traffic in order to bring the server down.

But within minutes, users began complaining the software was crashing and others analyzed the traffic and found that the IP address didn't belong to the Church of Scientology, reporting that that the software was actually targeting a school in the Netherlands.

Immediately the IRC chat room hosted on 711chan.org (currently down) was filled with calls to stop using the program, and the 900 people in the chat room returned to their disorderly conversation about whether they should be flooding Digg with anti-Scientology links or making harassing phone calls to local Scientology branches.

The Etty Hillesum Lyceum's site seemed to quickly recover, and Splongcat apologized to fellow script-kiddies for simply taking his friend at his word and not checking the IP address before unleashing the software.

Anonymous launched the attack on Scientology on January 16 to protest its use of copyright law to take down material critical of the church's bizarre practices and to attempt to force media outlets to run stories about the Church of Scientology. Their stated goal is to destroy the Church of Scientology.

The Church of Scientology has not replied to THREAT LEVEL's request for comment.

Special Thanks to WIRED

Really Cool: Glass Harps!!

Miko

We've all (or nearly all) seen one. If you ever watched sailor moon then you have seen an anime one. They are called miko. They are "priestesses" or "maidens" in the shinto religion. Sailor Mars was one . Here is their article in The Encyclopedia of Shinto:

A general term for a woman possessing the magico-religious power to receive oracles (takusen) from the kami in a state of spirit possession (kamigakari). Nowadays the term generally refers to a woman who assists shrine priests in ritual or clerical work. The word may be written with various characters (巫女、神子、巫子). Among miko there is a significant distinction between those female priests who have historically been attached to a shrine and those who are separate from shrines and either are settled in a village or travel the countryside as magical kitōshi (see kitō). Under the ritsuryō system, in the Jingikan female priests were called mikannagi, while they were called mikanko in the Shoku Nihongi. In the Wakun no shiori, miko is described as the general term, while female norito performers are referred to as mikanko, and it further explains that miko can be written with different characters. The etymology of the word is unclear, but it may be an abbreviated expression of kamiko, the substance (monozane) in or upon which the kami manifests itself. It can also be thought of as a transformation of the honorific term miko (御子), indicating spiritual power and high birth.
In the past, a variety of related positions were found at different shrines: miyanome at Ōmiwasha, sōnoichi at Atsuta Jingū, itsukiko at Matsuno'o Taisha, monoimi at Kashima Jingū, naishi at Itsukushima Jinja, waka at Shiogama Jinja, and nyobettō at Ideha Jinja (Hagurosan). In ancient times miko acted as ritualists for the kami who possessed magical capabilities, as in the examples of Amenouzume no mikoto, Yamato totohi momoso hime no mikoto, Yamato hime no mikoto, and Empress Jingū. Eventually, however, male kannushi, hafuri, and negi took their place, and miko came to be placed in roles assisting these male ritualists, according to one theory. Peregrinating and settled miko may be seen historically nationwide, performing magic and kitō (invocations of divine power) or transmitting the words of the dead. These unaffiliated miko exerted a great influence on folk religion and the verbal arts. Such women who serve miko-like functions may still be observed in some areas, and women performing similar functions may also be found in Shinto-derived new religions.

Pro Poker Players Bet Away From the Table, Too

IT was past midnight and Mike Matusow, nicknamed the Mouth, was about to hit his stride. Best known as a verbose professional card player on ESPN poker telecasts, Mr. Matusow was not gambling at high-stakes Texas Hold ’Em on this night in May. Instead, he was in a spare bedroom at his house, shirtless, furiously pumping his legs on a commercial-strength stepping machine.

His drive to burn calories was motivated by finance, not fitness. “Last year, I talked about how I used to weigh 181 pounds and somebody said that I’d never weigh that again,” said Mr. Matusow, who stands six feet tall and who on this day weighed 189, down from his peak of 241 pounds. “I said I would, and we made the bet for $100,000.”

He was given one year to get back to 181 by Ted Forrest, one of the world’s leading poker players; on June 3, the year would be up.

Mr. Matusow seemed headed for victory — he had 19 more days to drop just eight pounds — but there was a wrinkle. “My girlfriend and I are going on a cruise,” he said. “I asked Ted to settle for $70,000, so I could eat and drink with her. He said, ‘I’ll gamble for 30.’ So now I will have to run five miles every day on the boat, drink protein shakes and eat grilled chicken.”

Over the years, so-called proposition betting — the sometimes absurd, usually spur-of-the-moment wagers that gamblers make among themselves — has become as ingrained as oversize designer sunglasses in the professional poker world. Huck Seed, the 1996 champion in the World Series of Poker, once bet $10,000 that he could learn to do a standing back flip in two months (he did). The pool-player-turned-poker-pro John Hennigan vowed to spend six weeks living in Des Moines, Iowa (action-starved, he returned to Las Vegas after two days). Howard Lederer, an avowed vegan, ate a hamburger to win $10,000 from a fellow poker professional, David Grey. (Offered an opportunity to win his money back by eating a few olives, which he can’t stand, Mr. Grey demurred.)

With $10,000 or $100,000 on the line, what often sound like frat-boy boasts had better ring true, and fast. “You make claims? You say you can do something? You put your money up,” Mr. Lederer said. “That is being a gambler.”

These bets offer a glimpse into the rarefied world of professional gamblers, where often money is not the object, but the pawn one moves about the board. Such wagers are “mostly a way of keeping score, but if the points are too small there is no fun in it,” said Daniel Negreanu, the winner of four World Series of Poker tournaments, who has been known to play casual rounds of Wii bowling and Golden Tee golf for sums totaling in the low five figures. “You have to understand that losing money is no big deal when you gamble for a living.”

“We don’t think of money the way that salaried people do,” continued Mr. Negreanu, who sports a goatee and two gold hoops in his left earlobe. “We don’t love money the way rich people do. We know we can always make more of it.”

His confidence is abetted by the fact that the professional poker economy has grown significantly in recent years, with an explosion of tournaments, the advent of online poker sites and promotional deals with those sites, giving top players a large pool of money to gamble with when they’re not sitting at card tables. Indicative of this is the 2008 World Series of Poker now taking place here. The event has attracted many of the game’s most successful players for a gross prize pool that is on track to exceed 2007’s total of $159.8 million. (In an unusual arrangement, the nine finalists will be chosen by July 14, but play will be suspended until Nov. 9 and 10, when ESPN will cover the final table.)

Among many high-stakes professionals, gambling goes beyond being a job; it’s also a lifestyle and a passion. Of course, there are successful players who avoid proposition betting — Chris Ferguson, called Jesus and known for his mathematically rigorous approach to poker, describes these wagers as “maybe not a waste of money, but often a waste of time.” But it is not unusual for gambling to be in a pro’s blood.

“These guys may play poker 10 hours a day, but that leaves 14 hours in which they need to do something interesting,” said Michael Craig, the author of “The Professor, the Banker and the Suicide King,” which chronicles a mega-stakes Hold ’Em game between a Texas banker and a group of professional players. “If they are home watching TV, they bet sports. If they are driving through the rain, they bet on how long it will take a raindrop to reach the bottom of the car’s window. They want to have gambling in every aspect of their lives.”

This begs a question as to whether poker’s high-stakes proposition bettors meet the clinical definition of pathological gamblers. “They have their own culture and their own norms,” said Bob Breen, a clinical psychologist at the Rhode Island Gambling Treatment Program. “We’re talking about professional gamblers, not pathological gamblers. They may be doing nothing more than blowing off steam by making these bets.”

Technically, such bets are illegal in some states, according to gambling and criminal law experts, though authorities almost never pursue wagers between individuals. In Nevada, “gambling between private persons does not require a license and is not illegal,” said David Salas, a deputy chief of enforcement for Nevada’s Gaming Control Board.

Almost anything is fodder for a wager between pros. This was borne out on a recent afternoon in the high-rise apartment of Andrew Robl, 21, who dropped out of college and moved here to make his living as a gambler. His favorite game is online poker, at which he has made more than $1 million, he said, playing under the name Good2CU.

Facing a floor-to-ceiling window with a view of the Strip below, Mr. Robl recounted a wager in which he paid $20,000 to a friend who endured 25 days without leaving the bathroom of a room at the Bellagio hotel, surviving on room service and food from friends. While Mr. Robl regaled this reporter with the story, his manager, Nick Rainey, who recently negotiated Mr. Robl’s one-day endorsement deal with the Web site Full Tilt Poker (fulltilt.com) when Mr. Robl made it to the final table at a World Series of Poker tournament, initiated a bet of his own. He wagered another poker professional in the room, Luke Kim, that he, Mr. Rainey, could tell Coke from Pepsi in a blind tasting.

Mr. Rainey disappeared into a bedroom, and Mr. Kim filled the first four of 20 Dixie cups with the soft drinks, numbering each cup and compiling a list of which cola was in each. Mr. Rainey emerged from the bedroom and began sipping. He flubbed it during the second flight, on the seventh cup.

Mr. Kim had won a quick $1,000, at least on paper; like many proposition bets, this one was added to a running tab between the bettors. Gamblers bet so frequently among one another that money changes hands only when one party requests a payout, and then often in the form of chips or a transfer between online poker accounts.

Collecting on a bet is not always a given. Gavin Smith, who earns his living playing poker tournaments, remembers wagering a wealthy Californian who, with $100,000 on the line, said he could jump from an automobile roof to a hotel awning. The Californian failed to make it, came close to injuring himself in the process, and has yet to pay it all off, Mr. Smith said.

Considering Las Vegas’s many world-class golf courses, it is not surprising that gamblers extend their wagering to the links. There, between standard bets on rounds of golf, proposition bets on making specific putts or, in one case, catching drives as if they’re fly balls in centerfield, are an additive to most outings.

“Golf betting is the funnest thing in the world,” said Mr. Negreanu, whose game is raggedy at best and whose financial results reflect it. An unlucky card “can kill you at poker,” he said, but golf is only “2 percent luck.”

In the past, he has found himself in the hole for more than $1 million in golf bets. Nonetheless, he remains surprisingly sanguine about it all. Recently he coolly came back from a deficit of $160,000 on the front-nine of a golf match against the poker pro Patrik Antonius. They were playing for $20,000 a hole. Mr. Negreanu wound up ahead by $20,000 after the 18th.

Mr. Antonius said he has $400,000 riding on planned golf and tennis games in the near future. “Having money at risk motivates me to get better and beat the other guy,” said Mr. Antonius, a fitness fanatic. “It’s nice to wake up in the morning and know what you need to work on.”

Clearly, though, golf is not for everyone. Mr. Matusow, he of the $100,000 weight bet, said that he avoids taking up the game for a simple reason: “I’d go broke. Those other guys would win all of my money.”

And what came of his weight wager? On the seven-day cruise with his girlfriend, Mr. Matusow gained seven pounds, which left him needing to lose 15 pounds in nine days. “I didn’t eat for the last five days, did a master cleanse and spent time in the Jacuzzi,” he said by telephone. “It was sheer torture. But I did it. I got down to 179.”

SOON after Mr. Matusow made weight, he said, Mr. Forrest paid up, with $60,000 in poker chips (after accounting for $40,000 Mr. Matusow owed from a previous debt). Mr. Forrest did not return several messages seeking comment.

As for Mr. Matusow, his weight began climbing almost immediately. “Right now I am eating a 20-piece Chicken McNugget meal,” he said by telephone. “And guess what? It’s gooood!”

Days later, after collecting $675,924 in tournament winnings, Mr. Matusow reported that he had bet Erick Lindgren, another poker pro, that he, Mr. Matusow, would weigh less than 200 pounds on Jan. 15, 2009. “Right now,” Mr. Matusow said, “Erick is looking pretty good.”

The New York Times