Some hobos now communicate via cellular phones and e-mail. But the classic American hobo of early this century communicated through a much more basic system of marks--a code through which they gave information and warnings to their fellow Knights of the Road. Usually, these signs would be written in chalk or coal on a trestle, fence, building or sidewalk, letting others know what they could expect in the area of the symbol.
For the Full List and Symbols see Hobo Signs & Symbols
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
More George Carlin
Always do whatever's next.
George Carlin
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
George Carlin
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
George Carlin
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
George Carlin
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
George Carlin
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
George Carlin
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
George Carlin
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
George Carlin
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
George Carlin
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
George Carlin
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
George Carlin
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
George Carlin
I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
George Carlin
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
George Carlin
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
George Carlin
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
George Carlin
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
George Carlin
I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
George Carlin
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
George Carlin
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
George Carlin
If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.
George Carlin
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
George Carlin
If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.
George Carlin
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
George Carlin
In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.
George Carlin
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
George Carlin
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
George Carlin
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
George Carlin
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
George Carlin
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
George Carlin
One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
George Carlin
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
George Carlin
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
George Carlin
Religion is just mind control.
George Carlin
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
George Carlin
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
George Carlin
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
George Carlin
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
George Carlin
The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
George Carlin
The status quo sucks.
George Carlin
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
George Carlin
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
George Carlin
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
George Carlin
Think off-center.
George Carlin
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
George Carlin
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
George Carlin
When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
George Carlin
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
George Carlin
When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
George Carlin
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
George Carlin
You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
George Carlin
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
George Carlin
George Carlin
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
George Carlin
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
George Carlin
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
George Carlin
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
George Carlin
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
George Carlin
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
George Carlin
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
George Carlin
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
George Carlin
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
George Carlin
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
George Carlin
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
George Carlin
I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
George Carlin
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
George Carlin
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
George Carlin
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
George Carlin
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
George Carlin
I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
George Carlin
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
George Carlin
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
George Carlin
If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.
George Carlin
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
George Carlin
If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.
George Carlin
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
George Carlin
In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.
George Carlin
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
George Carlin
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
George Carlin
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
George Carlin
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
George Carlin
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
George Carlin
One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
George Carlin
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
George Carlin
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
George Carlin
Religion is just mind control.
George Carlin
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
George Carlin
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
George Carlin
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
George Carlin
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
George Carlin
The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
George Carlin
The status quo sucks.
George Carlin
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
George Carlin
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
George Carlin
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
George Carlin
Think off-center.
George Carlin
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
George Carlin
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
George Carlin
When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
George Carlin
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
George Carlin
When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
George Carlin
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
George Carlin
You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
George Carlin
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
George Carlin
European heatwave caused 35,000 deaths
At least 35,000 people died as a result of the record heatwave that scorched Europe in August 2003, says an environmental think tank.
The Earth Policy Institute (EPI), based in Washington DC, warns that such deaths are likely to increase, as "even more extreme weather events lie ahead".
The EPI calculated the huge death toll from the eight western European countries with data available. "Since reports are not yet available for all European countries, the total heat death toll for the continent is likely to be substantially larger," it says in a statement.
France suffered the worst losses, with 14,802 people dying from causes attributable to the blistering heat. This is "more than 19 times the death toll from the SARS epidemic worldwide", notes the EPI.
Silent killer
August 2003 was the hottest August on record in the northern hemisphere. But projections by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change predict more erratic weather, the EPI notes. By the end of this century, the average world temperature is projected to climb by 1.4 to 5.8°C.
"Though heat waves rarely are given adequate attention, they claim more lives each year than floods, tornadoes, and hurricanes combined," warns the EPI. "Heat waves are a silent killer, mostly affecting the elderly, the very young, or the chronically ill."
The searing August heat claimed about 7000 lives in Germany, nearly 4200 lives in both Spain and Italy. Over 2000 people died in the UK, with the country recording is first ever temperature over 100° Fahrenheit on 10th August.
Cooling mechanisms
High temperatures are well known to result in a rise in deaths, as is cold weather. When the body is subjected to extreme heat, it struggles to maintain its ideal temperature of 37°C. The body attempts to do this by sweating and pumping blood closer to the skin, but high heat and humidity can confound these cooling mechanisms.
If the internal body temperature rises above 40°C, vital organs are at risk and if the body cannot be cooled, death follows.
Over the last 25 years, the average global temperature has risen by 0.6°C. The World Meteorological Organization estimates that the number of heat-related deaths could double in less than 20 years.
The EPI says it is confident that the August heatwave has broken all records for heat-related deaths and says the world must cut the carbon dioxide emissions that contribute to global warming.
Special Yhanks to New Scientist
The Earth Policy Institute (EPI), based in Washington DC, warns that such deaths are likely to increase, as "even more extreme weather events lie ahead".
The EPI calculated the huge death toll from the eight western European countries with data available. "Since reports are not yet available for all European countries, the total heat death toll for the continent is likely to be substantially larger," it says in a statement.
France suffered the worst losses, with 14,802 people dying from causes attributable to the blistering heat. This is "more than 19 times the death toll from the SARS epidemic worldwide", notes the EPI.
Silent killer
August 2003 was the hottest August on record in the northern hemisphere. But projections by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change predict more erratic weather, the EPI notes. By the end of this century, the average world temperature is projected to climb by 1.4 to 5.8°C.
"Though heat waves rarely are given adequate attention, they claim more lives each year than floods, tornadoes, and hurricanes combined," warns the EPI. "Heat waves are a silent killer, mostly affecting the elderly, the very young, or the chronically ill."
The searing August heat claimed about 7000 lives in Germany, nearly 4200 lives in both Spain and Italy. Over 2000 people died in the UK, with the country recording is first ever temperature over 100° Fahrenheit on 10th August.
Cooling mechanisms
High temperatures are well known to result in a rise in deaths, as is cold weather. When the body is subjected to extreme heat, it struggles to maintain its ideal temperature of 37°C. The body attempts to do this by sweating and pumping blood closer to the skin, but high heat and humidity can confound these cooling mechanisms.
If the internal body temperature rises above 40°C, vital organs are at risk and if the body cannot be cooled, death follows.
Over the last 25 years, the average global temperature has risen by 0.6°C. The World Meteorological Organization estimates that the number of heat-related deaths could double in less than 20 years.
The EPI says it is confident that the August heatwave has broken all records for heat-related deaths and says the world must cut the carbon dioxide emissions that contribute to global warming.
Special Yhanks to New Scientist
101 Greatest George Carlin Quotes
I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.
You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”
As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.
You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick.
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.
Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.
I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.
So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.
Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.
Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.
If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
What year did Jesus think it was?
George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
“One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.
Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.
The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.
The future will soon be a thing of the past.
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
“When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “Fuck waffles.”
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.
Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.
The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
“Meow” means “woof” in cat.
Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
“No comment” is a comment.
If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
You can’t argue with a good blowjob.
Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.
So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.
The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!
Hooray for most things!
Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Life is a zero sum game.
Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.
I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.
You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”
As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.
You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick.
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.
Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.
I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.
So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.
Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.
Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.
If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
What year did Jesus think it was?
George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
“One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.
Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.
The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.
The future will soon be a thing of the past.
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
“When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “Fuck waffles.”
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.
Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.
The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
“Meow” means “woof” in cat.
Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
“No comment” is a comment.
If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
You can’t argue with a good blowjob.
Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.
So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.
The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!
Hooray for most things!
Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Life is a zero sum game.
Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.
I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.
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