The empirical formula of these jokes are made of Cobalt, Radon, and Yttrium:
CoRnY
Q: What do you get when you mix iron, bromine, uranium, argon, and yttrium?
A: FeBrUArY
Q: How would a magic show by W.A. Spooner be like an experiment by B.F. Skinner?
A: It would involve pulling a habit out of a rat.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape?
A: Elephant x Grape x sin(theta
Q: What do you get when you cross an Elephant and a mountain climber?
A: You can't cross a vector and a scaler!
Q: What's the value of a contour integral around Western Europe?
A: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe.
Q:What did the lion do to the particle physicists?
A:It lepton him!
Q: Where does bad light go?
A: To a prism.
Q: What does a molecular biologist and a porn star have in common?
A: they both get paid to remove their genes!
Q: What's the volume of a pizza of thickness a and radius z?
A: Pi zz a
A man is ambling along when he sees a series of resistors lying in his neighbor's garden. Confused, he walks up to his neighbor and asks her about it. She smiles sheepishly and says, "I have a lot of Garden Ohms, I know.
Power, Work, and Energy are walking along when suddenly someone walks up and kicks energy. All three fall down in agony.
"Hey!" yells energy, "I'm the one that got hit, not you guys! Why are you moaning?"
"Are you kidding?" Yells Power. "We just got kicked in the Joules!"
Q:What did the rock say to the geologist?
A:Do not take me for granite.
What does a chemist do when he sees a fire? He calculates the heat of reaction and synthesizes a suitably endothermic reaction to put it out.
Two protons walk into a bar talking about a mutual friend.
Proton: Did you hear Electron 7 got thrown into orbit an wasn't happy about it?
Proton 2: Yea, well. He's always been negative that way.
The Physicist, upon seeing all the waves, gets very excited and runs into the water, disappearing.
The Marine Biologist, aware of tremendous variety of marine life in the ocean, also gets very excited, and runs into the water, disappearing.
The Chemist pulls out her notebook, and writes "The Physicist and the Marine Biologist are soluble in water"
Q: While walking into a lab, how does one know which lab is it?...
A: -If it's green and wabbles - it's a biology lab.
- If it's stink - it's a chemistry lab
- And if it doesn't work - it's a physics lab...
Q: What happened to the molecular biologist who swallowed a beaker full of restriction endonucleases?
A:He came to a sticky end...
Chemistry is killing me: anytime I do a Diels-Alder reaction, I think I'm diene.
A fermi-function shared is a fermi-function halved.
Q: What did one lab rat say to the other?
A: "I've got my scientist so well trained that every time I push the buzzer, he brings me a snack.
Did you hear about the biologist who had twins? She baptized one and kept the other as a control!
Q: Why don't catholics pray for forgiveness when sitting down?
A: Because there's no syn elimination in the chair conformation!
Q: What did the receiver say to the radio wave?
A: Ow! That megahertz.
What people didn't know about Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz is that she always knew that throwing water on the Wicked Witch of the West would cause her to melt. Dorothy was a chemist and knew that the witch was acidic based on the following equation:
W1TCH + H2O --> W1TC- + H+
Q: What does a sperm do when he meets the egg of his dreams ?
A: He looses his head !
Q: Why did DNA go to old navy ?
A: His genes were splitting!
Hydrogen and Chlorine were chillin' in their dorm in Baltimore when Hydrogen suddenly said, "Let's go to California together!"
Chlorine replied, "Now that's an acid trip!"
Hydrogen is such a whore, it'll bond to anything!
Helium is such a prude.
Q: What is the difference between a Quantum Theorist and a Beauty
Therapist?
A: The Quantum Theorist uses Planck's Constant as a foundation,
whereas the Beauty Therapist uses Max Factor.
Q:What do you call a chemical rxn between zinc and arsenic?
A: A shocker!
The highest educational degree is actually quite basic. I mean, come on. It's pH D.
Scientist - "for my next experiment I intend to prove that neutrons have mass."
Langdon - "neutrons have mass? I didn't even know they were catholic"
The Name's Bond, Ionic Bond... taken, not shared
A small furry animal walks into a bar, orders a drink. Bartender looks at him, says "Sorry, the occupancy is 6.03x10^23. We cannot serve a mole."
Q: What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
A: A one molar solution.
Around the holidays a favorite carol around the lab is, "Oh chemis-tree, oh chemis-tree"
Two gases are talking to each other and they see another gas walk by. . .
gas 1: man that is the IDEAL gas
gas 2: eww you pvnrt!
Q:Why does e^x hate going to parties?
A:Because no matter how hard he tries, he always fails to integrate
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Interrupting Coefficient of Friction.
Interupting Coefficient of Friction wh...
Mu!
I wish I was Adenine so I can be paired with U!
*Pointed out correction to above*
I wish I was an adenine in an RNA molecule that does exhibit double stranded regions (eg tRNA), then you COULD pair with 'U'
A British fellow walks into a chemists shop, grabs a bottle of Adenosine TriPhosphate and tells the man at the counter that he'd like to buy it. The man behind the counter rings it up, then holds out his hand. "Alright, that'll be eighty P." (A-T P(ense))
Q:Whats new(nu)?
A:Why c over lambda of course!!
Q:Why did the cow fall off the roof?
A:Because he lost his μ.
A little boy refused to run anymore. When his mother asked him why, he replied, "I heard that the faster you go, the shorter you become."
Corny Joke:
Two eyes walk in a bar. After sitting down, one eye says to the other, "between us, something smells."
SCIENCE-ified!:
Two Is walk in a bar, and one I says to the other, "between us, there's a covalent bond."
At NIH (National Institute of Health), there is a sign on the door of a microbiology lab that reads "STAPH ONLY!"
Outside his buckyball home, one molecule overheard another molecule saying, "I'm positive that a free electron once stripped me of an electron after he lepton me. You gotta keep your ion them."
Q: What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome?
A: Pull down its genes
There is a sign in Munich that says, "Heisenberg might have slept here."
When a third grader was asked to cite Newton's first law, she said, "Bodies in motion remain in motion, and bodies at rest stay in bed unless their mothers call them to get up."
It is reported that Copernicus' parents said the following to him at the age of twelve: "Copernicus, young man, when are you going to come to terms with the fact that the world does not revolve around you."
Q: What did the male magnet say to the female magnet?
A: From your backside, I thought you were repulsive. However, after seeing you from the front, I find you rather attractive.
Do you have mole problems? If so, call Avogadro at 602-1023.
Q: How many theoretical physicists specializing in general relativity does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate the universe.
Q: What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A: A ferrous wheel:
Here is a historical note: In the 1980's, in an effort to increase public awareness about the importance of chemistry, the American Chemical Society posted billboards with a picture of C6H10 and the title, "It takes alkynes to make a world."
Q: What did Donald Duck say in his graduate physics class?
A: Quark, quark, quark
If I were an enzyme, I'd be DNA helicase...that way I could unzip your genes.
From the public, his discovery brought cheers.
From his wife, it drew nothing but torrents of tears.
"For you see," said Ms. Halley,
"He used to cum daily;
Now he comes once every 70 years!"
So I was talking to Heisenburg the other day and I asked him, "Hows it going?" and he said, "Not so good..."
I asked "Why not so good?" and he said "Well.. it's the ladies.. I just cant get any!"
I said "Why not? I mean you'd think the ladies would be swarming you with international fame and all."
His reply was "Well, they are.. they are.. it's just when I've got the time I haven't got the energy and when I've got the energy I havent got the time...."
Some dates have called me a promotor. Others have referred to me as a real operator. Personally, I think I'm just a cute piece of DNA who is still looking for that special transcription factor to help me unwind
Q. Where does one put the dishes?
A. In the Zinc.
Two polypeptides are at a party. One walks up to the other and says, "hey baby, nice acid!"
Q:What is the difference between a physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician?
Engineer: If an engineer walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it on the fire and puts it out.
Physicist: If a physicist walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it eloquently around the fire and lets the fire put itself out.
Mathematician: If a mathematician walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he convinces himself there is a solution and leaves.
Q: Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak?
A: Because it's in the ground state.
Underaged Pb walks into a bar and the bartender tuns to the gold bouncer and says," Au, get the lead out!"
Q. What do you do when you find a dead chemist?
A. Barium.
A small piece of ice which lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. "Bunsen! my flame! I melt whenever I see you" said the ice. The Bunsen burner replied :"It's just a phase you're going through".
Q:What weapon can you make from the elements potassium, nickel and iron?
A:A KNiFe.
Q:Why did the chicken cross the road?
Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends on your frame of reference.
There was an old lady called Wright
who could travel much faster than light.
She departed one day
in a relative way
and returned on the previous night.
Why did Carbon marry Hydrogen? They bonded well from the minute they met.
Q:If H20 is water what is H204?
A:Drinking, bathing, washing, swimming.
Q: How many theoretical physicists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: A theoretical physicist is one that is postulated to exist, but has never been actually observed in the laboratory.
Q:What's the difference between Chemistry and cooking?
A:In Chemistry,you should never lick the spoon.
Q:If a mole of moles, were digging a
mole of holes, what would you see?
A:A mole of molasses.
Q:What do you call a black bird's wife?
A:chromate
Q:What Io did before entering heaven?
A:iodide
Heisenberg is pulled over for speeding:
"Do you know how fast you were going?" the police officer asks, incredulously.
"No," replies Heisenberg, "but I know exactly where I am!"
Q: How many theoretical physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They can't change light bulbs but they can run expensive computer simulations which predict the lifetime of the bulb with order of magnitude accuracy.
Q:There's a bear in Alaska and a bear in Yosemite, which one drowns?
A:The one in Alaska because it's polar.
Two atoms are walking down the street.
Says one atom to the other, "Hey! I think I lost an electron!"
The other says, "Are you sure??"
"Yes, I'm positive!"
Little Willie was a chemist.
Little Willie is no more.
For what he thought was H2O,
Was H2SO4.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate!
A student recognizes Einstein in a train and asks: Excuse me, professor, but does New York stop by this train?
A neutron walks into a restaurant and orders a couple of drinks As she is about to leave, she asks the waiter how much she owes. The waiter replies, "For you, No Charge!!!"
A mosquito cried out in pain:
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
The cause of his sorrow
was para-dichlorodiphenyltrichloroethane
Teacher: What is the formula for water?
Student: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O
Teacher: That's not what I taught you.
Student: But you said the formula for water was...H to O.
The experimentalist comes running excitedly into the theorist's office, waving a graph taken off his latest experiment. 'Hmmm,' says the theorist, 'That's exactly where you'd expect to see that peak. Here's the reason (long logical explanation follows).' In the middle of it, the experimentalist says 'Wait a minute', studies the chart for a second, and says, 'Oops, this is upside down.' He fixes it. 'Hmmm,' says the theorist, 'you'd expect to see a dip in exactly that position. Here's the reason...'.
A sign outside the chemistry hotel reads "Great Day Rates, Even Better NO3-'s"
Famous last words
Nuclear physicist: See, cold fusion does not work.
Nuclear physisist: What was the critical mass, exactly?
Physisist: And now we reach absolute zero.
Astronomer: That asteroid won't hit the Earth.
Chemist: And now the tasting test.
Chemist: And now a little bit from this...
Chemist: And now shake it a bit.
Chemist: Why is there no label on this bottle?
Chemist: In which glass was my mineral water?
Chemist: Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!?
Chemist: First the acid, then the water...
Chemist: Oh no, wrong beaker...
Microbiologist: These bacteria cannot live outside the substrate.
Field biologist: They never attack humans.
Murphy's Ten Laws for String Theorists:
(1) If you fix a mistake in a mathematical superstring calculation, another one will show up somewhere else.
(2) If your results are based on the work of others, then one such work will turn out to be wrong. (3) The longer your article, the more likely your computer hard disk drive will fail while you are typing the references.
(4) The better your research result, the more likely it will be rejected by the referee of a journal; on the other hand, if your work is wrong but not obviously so, it will be accepted for publication right away.
(5) If a result seems to good to be true, it is unless you are one of the top ten string theorists in the world. (By the way, these theorists refer to their results as "string miracles".)
(6) Your most startling string-theoretic theorem will turn out to be valid in only two spatial dimensions or less.
(7) When giving a string seminar, nobody will follow anything you say after the first minute, but, if miraculously someone does, then that person will point out a flaw in your reasoning half-way through your talk and what will be worse is that your grant review officer will happen to be in the audience.
(8) For years, nobody will ever notice the fudge factors in your calculations, but when you come up for tenure they will surface like fish being tossed fresh breadcrumbs.
(9) If you are a graduate student working on string theory, then the field will be dead by the time you get your Ph.D.; Even worse, if you start over with a new thesis topic, the new field will also be dead by the time you get your Ph.D.
(10) If you discover an interesting string model, then it will predict at least one low-energy, observable particle not seen in Nature.
In summary, anything in string theory that theoretically can go wrong will go wrong, but if nothing does go theoretically wrong, then experimentally it is ruled out.
Ten little known facts about relativity:
(1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
(2) Energy equals milk chocolate square (attributed to Albert E. Hersey)
(3) Delivery of Christmas gifts by Santa to the children of the world is now accomplished by riding Rudolf the red-shift reindeer.
(4) The general relativity theory of gravitation is responsible for people falling in love.
(5) The speed of an IRS tax refund is constant.
(6) Anger is neither created nor conserved but only changed from one form to another.
(7) The speed of time is one second per second, which is also called the fundamental unity.
(8) Death and taxes are the same for all constantly moving observers.
(9) Moving midgets are shortened.
(10) Divorce and alimony are equivalent but the latter is multiplied by an enormous factor.
Question: What is "IT"?
Geologists do IT on the ground.
Astronomers do IT all night.
Chemists do IT by bonding.
Chemists also do IT on a table, periodically.
Newton did IT with force.
Eighteenth century physicists did IT with rigid bodies.
Maxwell did IT with magnetism.
Analytical Chemists do it with precision and accuracy.
Volta did IT with a jolt.
Watt did IT with power.
Joule did IT with energy.
Ohm did IT with resistance.
Pascal did IT under pressure.
Hooke did IT using springs.
Coulomb got all charged up about IT.
Hertz did IT frequently.
Boltzmann did IT in heat.
Ampere let IT flow.
For Franklin, IT was an electrifying experience.
Edison claims to have invented IT.
When Richter did IT, the Earth shook.
For Darwin, IT was natural.
Freud did IT in his sleep.
Mendel studied the consequences of IT.
When Wegener did IT, continents moved.
Classical physicists do IT in perfectly uniform harmonic motion.
Heisenberg was never sure whether he even did IT.
Bohr did IT in an excited state.
Pauli did IT but excluded his friends.
Schrödinger did IT in waves.
Bose did IT with partners.
Einstein did IT on a curved surface.
Oort did IT in a cloud.
Hubble did IT in the dark.
Watson and Crick got all wound up about IT.
Cosmologists do IT in a big bang.
Theorists do IT on paper.
Wigner did IT in a group.
Richter and Ting did IT with charm.
Astrophysicists do IT with young starlets.
Planetary scientists do IT with Uranus.
Electron microscopists do IT 100,000 times.
Feynman did IT in fields.
Hawking wrote a brief history of IT.
And super symmetric theorists do IT with sleptons.
Soil chemists do IT dirty.
Answer: IT = science, of course.
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
You might be a tennis player if ...
*when you hear it's suppose to rain you think "yes, i wont have practice today"
*when you hear A-Rod you dont think of Alex Rodrigez you think of Andy Roddick
*you find random tennis balls in your car, room, and even your purse
*you have bruises all year around on your shins from swinging through too much on your serve
*you go through a new pair of shoes every month
*you look forward to winter from a break of 130 degrees on court and then look forward to summer from a break of 12 degree windchill
*half of your life you are in shorts and a t-shirt or sweatpants
*your heart sinks when you hear "alright, line up for suicides" or "alright, line up for lines."
*you have to schedule dates or outings with friends around tournament schedules and practice schedules
*you look forward to offseason... you know... the 3 weeks in December/ January
*if you live in Texas you are well traveled... you've played in Dallas, San Antonio, Austin, Houston, Corpus Christi, Galveston, Abilene, middle of nowhere, Amarillo, Lubbock, San Angelo, and so on...
*your wardrobe consists of Nike, Adidas, and Diadora
*when football players or other athletes complain about practicing in the summer heat, you just sit back and laugh because you know you can last in a 3 hour 3 set match on a 130 degree court
*the week of a tournament your diet consists of Gatorade, water, Gatorade, bananas, pastas, bananas, pastas, water, water, carbs...
*friends stopped calling you and told you to call when you're "FREE" because every weekend they call you and you are somewhere but in town
*you're use to carrying around 20 pounds on your back... its called your tennis bag
*when summer comes everyone has a great tan... and yours is the best... you also win the most interesting TAN LINES competition
*you own 248693 hats
*being sore is something you know and know well
*you know the meaning of the word TREE... and its not a thing you find in the woods
*back to the tan line issue, you have a sock tan, shorts tan, tee shirt tan, tank top tan, ring tan, watch tan, and a hat line tan... you definitely win the most interesting tan lines competition
*people know you around school as the one who plays tennis
*a vacation for you is a 2 day break off of practice
*practice for you consists of working out before school, school tennis, working out after school along with the rest of your other serious team mates
*you have people come up to you in school saying "oh I could so own you in tennis" and when you finally challenge them... you dont even have to hit more than 1 ball
*you have to leave parties early because you either have a tournament early the next morning or things are getting out of control and you dont want to risk getting in trouble
*you are use to getting up at 5 in the morning and
warming up before the sun gets up
*hotels... you know hotels like it was your home
*you have a bag packed and ready to go for tournaments 24-7
*you have missed at least one day of school for a USTA tournament
*you have friends all over your city, state, and all over the country because of playing tournaments
*when you go to a resort or hotel the first thing you wonder is "i wonder if they have courts here"
*you know who Bjorn Borg or Tracey Austin is
*(girls) your hair is in a pony tail 20 hours out of a 24 hour day
*you know what the Australian, French, and US Open and Wimbledon are, where they are played, and what surface they are on
*you know what someone is talking about when they say "i need a new head guard and grommets, and at 60 pounds"
*you know all the new racquets and shoes that are out
*you consider a mile run nothing even though most people think tennis players dont run distance
*plyos, sprints, and weight room are just norms for you
*you know what a P, W, D, and a circle with two lines through it stands for
*you can pick another tennis player out of a crowd just by the way they dress, act, and what they are carrying
*you have been mistaked for a pro walking through the airport with your gigantic bag
*you have broken a racquet by losing your grip on your serve and it smashing into the court
*you know the best resorts and country clubs in your area and in the country... by the tennis facilities
*you have gotten a tan by laying out on a court after a practice before in the summer
*you have pulled a muscle, rolled an ankle, and been overheated
*although gross, you know you will never get rid of those caluses on each of your knuckles, especially the one on your thumb and also the annoying ones on your feet
*you know you will never have soft skin again... it will be dry forever!
*you hate playing leftys if youre right handed and you dont know why
*you love being left handed because the rightys cant figure out how to play you and you DO know why
*you also hate playing tall people because all they have to do is hit down on their serve
*when you walk up at a tournament you look around trying to figure out who your opponent is and then judge them by what they are wearing, what bag they have, what racquet they use, and how they are carrying themselves
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
* you have too many free t-shirt to count from all the tournaments you play
* you hate it when the ball just "cliips" the line.. and you dont know it its in or out.. then you cant call it out because you arent 100 percent sure. gah
* when you get pisssed when your opponent hits EVERY ball on the line
* you get hit in the eye and your coach still tells you to keep playing
*You know your a tennis player when adjusting ur strings is like brushing ur teeth...you do it a LOT
*You have lost count at all the times uve said "are u kidding me" when the ur opponent calls it out when it hits the line
* even if you make a real good shot, your coach is still pissed about something
*if you get all these and are nodding your head at all of them
* at family gatherings the first/only thing you get asked is "how's tennis?"
*you yell "C'mon" every time you ever succeed in the smallest task.
* most everything you own is covered with yellow fuzz!!
* you have blisters on top of blisters that wont go away
* losing has made you or your dad mad enough to be pissed off at everything else in life
* you wake up at 3 am to watch a match on tv thats going on live somewhere on the other side of the world
*your non tennis friends have banned you from talking about tennis
* you know that diffrence between sharapova's and serena's grunts
*grunts and c'mons are now part of your everyday vocabulary
* your opponent takes a ten minute break because you are beating them so badly
* (girls) you get pumped by slapping your thigh
* you love the sound and smell of opening a fresh can of balls
*when you hear A-Rod you dont think of Alex Rodrigez you think of Andy Roddick
*you find random tennis balls in your car, room, and even your purse
*you have bruises all year around on your shins from swinging through too much on your serve
*you go through a new pair of shoes every month
*you look forward to winter from a break of 130 degrees on court and then look forward to summer from a break of 12 degree windchill
*half of your life you are in shorts and a t-shirt or sweatpants
*your heart sinks when you hear "alright, line up for suicides" or "alright, line up for lines."
*you have to schedule dates or outings with friends around tournament schedules and practice schedules
*you look forward to offseason... you know... the 3 weeks in December/ January
*if you live in Texas you are well traveled... you've played in Dallas, San Antonio, Austin, Houston, Corpus Christi, Galveston, Abilene, middle of nowhere, Amarillo, Lubbock, San Angelo, and so on...
*your wardrobe consists of Nike, Adidas, and Diadora
*when football players or other athletes complain about practicing in the summer heat, you just sit back and laugh because you know you can last in a 3 hour 3 set match on a 130 degree court
*the week of a tournament your diet consists of Gatorade, water, Gatorade, bananas, pastas, bananas, pastas, water, water, carbs...
*friends stopped calling you and told you to call when you're "FREE" because every weekend they call you and you are somewhere but in town
*you're use to carrying around 20 pounds on your back... its called your tennis bag
*when summer comes everyone has a great tan... and yours is the best... you also win the most interesting TAN LINES competition
*you own 248693 hats
*being sore is something you know and know well
*you know the meaning of the word TREE... and its not a thing you find in the woods
*back to the tan line issue, you have a sock tan, shorts tan, tee shirt tan, tank top tan, ring tan, watch tan, and a hat line tan... you definitely win the most interesting tan lines competition
*people know you around school as the one who plays tennis
*a vacation for you is a 2 day break off of practice
*practice for you consists of working out before school, school tennis, working out after school along with the rest of your other serious team mates
*you have people come up to you in school saying "oh I could so own you in tennis" and when you finally challenge them... you dont even have to hit more than 1 ball
*you have to leave parties early because you either have a tournament early the next morning or things are getting out of control and you dont want to risk getting in trouble
*you are use to getting up at 5 in the morning and
warming up before the sun gets up
*hotels... you know hotels like it was your home
*you have a bag packed and ready to go for tournaments 24-7
*you have missed at least one day of school for a USTA tournament
*you have friends all over your city, state, and all over the country because of playing tournaments
*when you go to a resort or hotel the first thing you wonder is "i wonder if they have courts here"
*you know who Bjorn Borg or Tracey Austin is
*(girls) your hair is in a pony tail 20 hours out of a 24 hour day
*you know what the Australian, French, and US Open and Wimbledon are, where they are played, and what surface they are on
*you know what someone is talking about when they say "i need a new head guard and grommets, and at 60 pounds"
*you know all the new racquets and shoes that are out
*you consider a mile run nothing even though most people think tennis players dont run distance
*plyos, sprints, and weight room are just norms for you
*you know what a P, W, D, and a circle with two lines through it stands for
*you can pick another tennis player out of a crowd just by the way they dress, act, and what they are carrying
*you have been mistaked for a pro walking through the airport with your gigantic bag
*you have broken a racquet by losing your grip on your serve and it smashing into the court
*you know the best resorts and country clubs in your area and in the country... by the tennis facilities
*you have gotten a tan by laying out on a court after a practice before in the summer
*you have pulled a muscle, rolled an ankle, and been overheated
*although gross, you know you will never get rid of those caluses on each of your knuckles, especially the one on your thumb and also the annoying ones on your feet
*you know you will never have soft skin again... it will be dry forever!
*you hate playing leftys if youre right handed and you dont know why
*you love being left handed because the rightys cant figure out how to play you and you DO know why
*you also hate playing tall people because all they have to do is hit down on their serve
*when you walk up at a tournament you look around trying to figure out who your opponent is and then judge them by what they are wearing, what bag they have, what racquet they use, and how they are carrying themselves
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
* you have too many free t-shirt to count from all the tournaments you play
* you hate it when the ball just "cliips" the line.. and you dont know it its in or out.. then you cant call it out because you arent 100 percent sure. gah
* when you get pisssed when your opponent hits EVERY ball on the line
* you get hit in the eye and your coach still tells you to keep playing
*You know your a tennis player when adjusting ur strings is like brushing ur teeth...you do it a LOT
*You have lost count at all the times uve said "are u kidding me" when the ur opponent calls it out when it hits the line
* even if you make a real good shot, your coach is still pissed about something
*if you get all these and are nodding your head at all of them
* at family gatherings the first/only thing you get asked is "how's tennis?"
*you yell "C'mon" every time you ever succeed in the smallest task.
* most everything you own is covered with yellow fuzz!!
* you have blisters on top of blisters that wont go away
* losing has made you or your dad mad enough to be pissed off at everything else in life
* you wake up at 3 am to watch a match on tv thats going on live somewhere on the other side of the world
*your non tennis friends have banned you from talking about tennis
* you know that diffrence between sharapova's and serena's grunts
*grunts and c'mons are now part of your everyday vocabulary
* your opponent takes a ten minute break because you are beating them so badly
* (girls) you get pumped by slapping your thigh
* you love the sound and smell of opening a fresh can of balls
30 Reasons to Date a Tennis Player
1. Even when they're not scoring, they're in Love
2. They do it on more than one surface
3. They hit from any angle
4. They grunt when the action heats up
5. They're good with their hands
6. They do it with 2 or 4 people
7. They've got endurance to last 3 hours or longer
8. They wear tiny skirts for easy play
9. They know how to stroke it
10. They do it for unlimited minutes in many different positions
11. They like to be on top of their game
12. They enjoy getting hot and sweaty
13. They work the balls really well
14. They know how to take it up the middle
15. They play the court until they score
16. They use phrases like "cmon!" "lets go!" when the going gets rough, and the occasional "why can't u get it in?!"
17. They sometimes do it against a wall because its faster and harder
18. They know how to wrap a handle
19. They know where the sweet spot is
20. They don't want love..they want to score
21. If they find themselves in a deep hole they can slowly ease their way back out again
22. They love to hit it between the legs
23. If they can't get it in the first time, they always get a second chance
24. It doesn't matter how hard they can hit it, its the accuracy and consistency that conveys a good performance
25. They bend over in order to get ready to play
26. They use vibraters/dampeners all the time.
27. They always warm up before playing.
28. They know how to serve each other.
29. They know how to use all different kinds of grips
30. They have soft hands for the balls down low
2. They do it on more than one surface
3. They hit from any angle
4. They grunt when the action heats up
5. They're good with their hands
6. They do it with 2 or 4 people
7. They've got endurance to last 3 hours or longer
8. They wear tiny skirts for easy play
9. They know how to stroke it
10. They do it for unlimited minutes in many different positions
11. They like to be on top of their game
12. They enjoy getting hot and sweaty
13. They work the balls really well
14. They know how to take it up the middle
15. They play the court until they score
16. They use phrases like "cmon!" "lets go!" when the going gets rough, and the occasional "why can't u get it in?!"
17. They sometimes do it against a wall because its faster and harder
18. They know how to wrap a handle
19. They know where the sweet spot is
20. They don't want love..they want to score
21. If they find themselves in a deep hole they can slowly ease their way back out again
22. They love to hit it between the legs
23. If they can't get it in the first time, they always get a second chance
24. It doesn't matter how hard they can hit it, its the accuracy and consistency that conveys a good performance
25. They bend over in order to get ready to play
26. They use vibraters/dampeners all the time.
27. They always warm up before playing.
28. They know how to serve each other.
29. They know how to use all different kinds of grips
30. They have soft hands for the balls down low
Chocolate Souffle Recipe
Ingredients:
1/3 cup sugar plus additional for sprinkling
5 oz bittersweet chocolate (not unsweetened), chopped
3 large egg yolks at room temperature
6 large egg whites
Method:
Preheat oven to 375°F. Generously butter soufflé dish and sprinkle with sugar, knocking out excess.
Melt chocolate in a metal bowl set over a saucepan of barely simmering water, stirring occasionally until smooth. Remove bowl from heat and stir in yolks (mixture will stiffen).
Beat whites with a pinch of salt in a large bowl with an electric mixer at medium speed until they just hold soft peaks. Add 1/3 cup sugar, a little at a time, continuing to beat at medium speed, then beat at high speed until whites just hold stiff peaks. Stir about 1 cup whites into chocolate mixture to lighten, then add mixture to remaining whites, folding gently but thoroughly.
Spoon into soufflé dish and run the end of your thumb around inside edge of soufflé dish (this will help soufflé rise evenly). Bake in middle of oven until puffed and crusted on top but still jiggly in center, 24 to 26 minutes. Serve immediately.
1/3 cup sugar plus additional for sprinkling
5 oz bittersweet chocolate (not unsweetened), chopped
3 large egg yolks at room temperature
6 large egg whites
Method:
Preheat oven to 375°F. Generously butter soufflé dish and sprinkle with sugar, knocking out excess.
Melt chocolate in a metal bowl set over a saucepan of barely simmering water, stirring occasionally until smooth. Remove bowl from heat and stir in yolks (mixture will stiffen).
Beat whites with a pinch of salt in a large bowl with an electric mixer at medium speed until they just hold soft peaks. Add 1/3 cup sugar, a little at a time, continuing to beat at medium speed, then beat at high speed until whites just hold stiff peaks. Stir about 1 cup whites into chocolate mixture to lighten, then add mixture to remaining whites, folding gently but thoroughly.
Spoon into soufflé dish and run the end of your thumb around inside edge of soufflé dish (this will help soufflé rise evenly). Bake in middle of oven until puffed and crusted on top but still jiggly in center, 24 to 26 minutes. Serve immediately.
The Chef's Ladder
Chef de Cuisine
This is the apex, the chef whose initials are etched into the silver flatware, and embroidered onto the washroom towels. This chef has the vision, conceives the dishes, imbues the whole restaurant with his/her personality. This would be the person who appears on television. Sometimes, if need be, chefs de cuisine even cook.
Executive Chef
This is a nebulous title, as only the biggest, most famous chefs de cuisine follow themselves with executive chefs. Executive chefs run the whole kitchen when the big boss isn't around and are often employed when a chef has more than one restaurant. They hire and fire the staff, determine costs, revamp the menu, take care of all administrative tasks, interact with the dining room managers, and generally oversee the well-being of the restaurant. In smaller, less flamboyant restaurants, the Chef de Cuisine sees to all this, and an executive chef would be redundant.
Sous-Chef
Next under the Chef de Cuisine or Executive Chef, depending on the restaurant, this chef is always in the kitchen. He/she comes up with the daily specials, takes inventory, watches over the staff, expedites (see Expediter, below), and basically does all the hands-on work. There are sous-chefs of two ilks: those who will soon move on to open their own restaurants, becoming Chefs de Cuisine, and those who will remain as they are, preferring the rhythmic rigors of the kitchen to the bright lights of chef stardom.
Expediter
Generally the sous-chef, the expediter serves as the liaison between the customers in the dining room and the line cooks. He/she makes sure that the food gets to the wait staff in a timely fashion, so that everyone sitting at a particular table is served simultaneously. This job is all about coordination and timing.
Pastry Chef
The pastry chef is like the sous-chef, but reigns over the pastry section, which is usually tucked far away from the heat and bustle of the main kitchen (to protect delicate soufflés, fragile spun sugar, and temperamental chocolates). The pastry section has always been assigned less status than the main kitchen -- possibly because pastry was a traditionally female province (if there were any women in the kitchen at all, you might find them in the pastry section). Fortunately, this is changing.
Line Cooks
The line cooks are the people who actually cook your food. They are divided up, either by cooking technique (saute, grill, etc.), or by type of food (fish, meat, etc.). When the expeditor shouts out an order (they always shout), the line cooks jump to prepare it. Most cooks work up through the line (working every position), before being promoted to sous-chef.
Chef de garde manger
The person in the garde manger section -- also known as the cold station -- plates all the dishes that do not require heat, such as salads, terrines, and sometimes desserts, if there is no assigned pastry person on the line.
This is the apex, the chef whose initials are etched into the silver flatware, and embroidered onto the washroom towels. This chef has the vision, conceives the dishes, imbues the whole restaurant with his/her personality. This would be the person who appears on television. Sometimes, if need be, chefs de cuisine even cook.
Executive Chef
This is a nebulous title, as only the biggest, most famous chefs de cuisine follow themselves with executive chefs. Executive chefs run the whole kitchen when the big boss isn't around and are often employed when a chef has more than one restaurant. They hire and fire the staff, determine costs, revamp the menu, take care of all administrative tasks, interact with the dining room managers, and generally oversee the well-being of the restaurant. In smaller, less flamboyant restaurants, the Chef de Cuisine sees to all this, and an executive chef would be redundant.
Sous-Chef
Next under the Chef de Cuisine or Executive Chef, depending on the restaurant, this chef is always in the kitchen. He/she comes up with the daily specials, takes inventory, watches over the staff, expedites (see Expediter, below), and basically does all the hands-on work. There are sous-chefs of two ilks: those who will soon move on to open their own restaurants, becoming Chefs de Cuisine, and those who will remain as they are, preferring the rhythmic rigors of the kitchen to the bright lights of chef stardom.
Expediter
Generally the sous-chef, the expediter serves as the liaison between the customers in the dining room and the line cooks. He/she makes sure that the food gets to the wait staff in a timely fashion, so that everyone sitting at a particular table is served simultaneously. This job is all about coordination and timing.
Pastry Chef
The pastry chef is like the sous-chef, but reigns over the pastry section, which is usually tucked far away from the heat and bustle of the main kitchen (to protect delicate soufflés, fragile spun sugar, and temperamental chocolates). The pastry section has always been assigned less status than the main kitchen -- possibly because pastry was a traditionally female province (if there were any women in the kitchen at all, you might find them in the pastry section). Fortunately, this is changing.
Line Cooks
The line cooks are the people who actually cook your food. They are divided up, either by cooking technique (saute, grill, etc.), or by type of food (fish, meat, etc.). When the expeditor shouts out an order (they always shout), the line cooks jump to prepare it. Most cooks work up through the line (working every position), before being promoted to sous-chef.
Chef de garde manger
The person in the garde manger section -- also known as the cold station -- plates all the dishes that do not require heat, such as salads, terrines, and sometimes desserts, if there is no assigned pastry person on the line.
-21 REASONS TO DATE A HORSE BACK RIDER-
1) We have 4 speeds and many positions
2) We wear tight pants and tall boots
3) We love getting dirty
4) We know how to ride our mounts
5)We perform well with animals
6) We like to be in control
7) W'll ride it for hours
8) We know how to handle a big girth
9) We get off easy
10) We're always on top
11) We like it rough
12) We have our legs spread all day long
13) We love using whips
14) Stradling is our natural position
15) We don't mind being bucked around
16) Event riders do it for three days
17) We can ride standing or sitting
18) We wear leather chaps everyday
19) We think the fast ones are the most fun
20) We're used to having hands between our legs
21) If we fall off we get back on and ride harder
P.S. Have you seen the posting trot???!!!
2) We wear tight pants and tall boots
3) We love getting dirty
4) We know how to ride our mounts
5)We perform well with animals
6) We like to be in control
7) W'll ride it for hours
8) We know how to handle a big girth
9) We get off easy
10) We're always on top
11) We like it rough
12) We have our legs spread all day long
13) We love using whips
14) Stradling is our natural position
15) We don't mind being bucked around
16) Event riders do it for three days
17) We can ride standing or sitting
18) We wear leather chaps everyday
19) We think the fast ones are the most fun
20) We're used to having hands between our legs
21) If we fall off we get back on and ride harder
P.S. Have you seen the posting trot???!!!
Airport screeners: no tips but they keep change
A report at the link below says that screeners at the nation's airport checkpoints don’t take tips but they’ll definitely keep the change.
Info Thanks to ABC
The Transportation Security Administration (TSA) has collected — and kept — more than $1 million in the past three years from airline passengers who forget coins at checkpoints.
Passengers must take change out of their pockets and drop it in plastic bins that go through X-ray machines, but tens of thousands of people each year forget to reclaim it.
The TSA has been keeping change since October 2004, when it lobbied Congress to amend federal law and let the agency use the money to defray security costs. Previously, money left at checkpoints went to a general fund in the federal treasury.
The cash leader: Los Angeles International Airport, where passengers left behind $89,375 from Sept. 30, 2004 to Oct. 1, 2007, according to TSA reports. Las Vegas' McCarran International was a distant runner-up.
Coins are left by passengers who are either too rushed to bother collecting their change or too color-blind to see it, the TSA says.
Info Thanks to ABC
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