Saturday, April 12, 2008

George Bush Pretzel Jokes

"President Bush was munching on some pretzels when he choked and fainted. All this time we were worrying about Osama bin Laden, turns out he was almost done-in by Mr. Salty." —Jay Leno

"Now you'll be glad to know the president will practice safe snacks." —First Lady Laura Bush, discussing her husband's pretzel mishap, on the Tonight Show With Jay Leno

"Our president is in town, George W. Bush. It's a fundraiser. They're being very creative, you've got to give them credit. For $10,000 you can give George Bush the Heimlich Maneuver." —David Letterman

"President Bush this week said that between going to war and raising twins, he'd pick war. His daughters Jenna and Barbara then sent him a big bag of pretzels for the Super Bowl." —Dennis Miller

"Here's good news, President Bush has recovered from the pretzel choking episode. I tell you, I never thought I would hear 'White House' and 'gag-reflex' in the same sentence again." —David Letterman

"Earlier tonight, George W. Bush gave his State of the Union. Here's what George W. set as his agenda. He has three goals. One, fight terrorism. Number two, he's going to improve the economy. And number three, he's going to do his best not to pass out during the Super Bowl." —David Letterman

"President Bush got through the Super Bowl without event. The Secret Service pre-chewed his pretzels." —David Letterman

"Yesterday, President Bush unveiled a $38 billion dollar homeland security plan. The president said that under the new plan, we can wipe out the threat of pretzels in our lifetime." —Conan O'Brien

"Today the Hart Senate building was re-opened after all traces of anthrax were removed. In a related story, the White House was re-opened today as well, after all traces of pretzel were removed." —Conan O'Brien

"Poor guy, he blacked out and hit the ground and he was out for four seconds. Fortunately, those were the same four seconds that Dick Cheney was conscious yesterday." —David Letterman

"A doctor on TV today said the reason this happened to President Bush is because he has lower than average blood pressure. Can't this guy ace one test in his life. All his numbers are lower than average." —Jay Leno

"Today coming to work, I saw one of those only in New York scenes. It was a rat who had passed out after choking on a pretzel." —David Letterman

"Earlier today, Bush's cabinet told him that they had nothing to do with helping Enron. Bush had trouble swallowing that as well." —David Letterman

"Over the weekend, the President passed out after choking on a pretzel. Better than the old days, when he used to choke on vowels. Remember that?" —Jay Leno

"I guess what happened was, Bush passed out, banged his head on a table, then came to a few seconds later. Today Bush said it was just like being back in college." —Jay Leno

"My favorite thing about this so far is that on MSNBC the other day they were calling President Bush's dogs heroes, because they 'kept guard' over him while he was passed out. The dogs aren't heroes, they were just waiting to see how long he would be passed out, so they could steal his pretzels and eat them." —Jay Leno

"They are taking this pretty seriously. White House staffers spent all day yesterday child-proofing the residence." —Jay Leno

"They ran to get Dick Cheney, and they realized nobody could remember the undisclosed location he was hiding in." —Jay Leno

"I told a joke to the audience last night and it triggered their Vagus nerve and they all passed out." —David Letterman

"This is exactly the sort of accident that befalls Homer Simpson, night after night." —The London Daily Telegraph, in an editorial explaining why the pretzel incident proves Bush is a "man of the people"

"Chew slowly." —A note scrawled on a big bag of pretzels that President Bush sent back to the press cabin on Air Force One, a day after he fainted after choking on a pretzel

"Mother, I should have listened to you. Always chew your pretzels before you swallow" —President Bush

Cool Food Facts

A sliced Carrot looks like the human eye The pupil, iris and radiating lines look just like the human eye...and YES science now shows that carrots greatly enhance blood flow to and function of the eyes.

A Tomato has four chambers and is red. The heart is red and has four chambers. All of the research shows tomatoes are indeed pure heart and blood food.

Grapes hang in a cluster that has the shape of the heart. Each grape looks like a blood cell and all of the research today shows that grapes are a lso profound heart and blood vitalizing food.

A Walnut looks like a little brain, a left and right hemisphere, upper cerebrums and lower cerebellums. Even the wrinkles or folds are on the nut just like the neo-cortex. We now know that walnuts help develop over 3 dozen neuron-transmitters for brain function.

Kidney Beans actually heal and help maintain kidney function and yes, they look exactly like the human kidneys.

Celery, Bok Choy, Rhubarb and more look just like bones. These foods specifically target bone strength. Bones are 23% sodium and these foods are 23% sodium. If you don't have enough sodium in your diet the body pulls it from the bones, making them weak. These foods replenish the skeletal needs of the body.

Eggplant, Avocadoes and Pears target the health and function of the womb and ce rvix of the female - they look just like these organs. Today's research shows that when a woman eats 1 avocado a week, it balances hormones, sheds unwanted birth weight and prevents cervical cancers. And how profound is this? .... It takes exactly 9 months to grow an avocado from blossom to ripened fruit. There are over 14,000 photolytic chemical constituents of nutrition in each one of these foods (modern science has only studied and named about 141 of them).

Figs are full of seeds and hang in twos when they grow. Figs increase the motility of male sperm and increase the numbers of Sperm &n bsp;to swell to overcome mal e sterility.

Sweet Potatoes look like the pancreas and actually balance the glycemic index of diabetics.

Olives assist the health and function of the ovaries

Grapefruits, Oranges, and other Citrus fr uits look just like the mammary glands of the female and actually assist the health of the breasts and the movement of lymph in and out of the breasts.

Onions look like body cells. Today's research shows that onions help clear waste materials from all of the body cells. They even produce tears which wash the epithelial layers of the eyes