Saturday, April 12, 2008

George Bush Pretzel Jokes

"President Bush was munching on some pretzels when he choked and fainted. All this time we were worrying about Osama bin Laden, turns out he was almost done-in by Mr. Salty." —Jay Leno

"Now you'll be glad to know the president will practice safe snacks." —First Lady Laura Bush, discussing her husband's pretzel mishap, on the Tonight Show With Jay Leno

"Our president is in town, George W. Bush. It's a fundraiser. They're being very creative, you've got to give them credit. For $10,000 you can give George Bush the Heimlich Maneuver." —David Letterman

"President Bush this week said that between going to war and raising twins, he'd pick war. His daughters Jenna and Barbara then sent him a big bag of pretzels for the Super Bowl." —Dennis Miller

"Here's good news, President Bush has recovered from the pretzel choking episode. I tell you, I never thought I would hear 'White House' and 'gag-reflex' in the same sentence again." —David Letterman

"Earlier tonight, George W. Bush gave his State of the Union. Here's what George W. set as his agenda. He has three goals. One, fight terrorism. Number two, he's going to improve the economy. And number three, he's going to do his best not to pass out during the Super Bowl." —David Letterman

"President Bush got through the Super Bowl without event. The Secret Service pre-chewed his pretzels." —David Letterman

"Yesterday, President Bush unveiled a $38 billion dollar homeland security plan. The president said that under the new plan, we can wipe out the threat of pretzels in our lifetime." —Conan O'Brien

"Today the Hart Senate building was re-opened after all traces of anthrax were removed. In a related story, the White House was re-opened today as well, after all traces of pretzel were removed." —Conan O'Brien

"Poor guy, he blacked out and hit the ground and he was out for four seconds. Fortunately, those were the same four seconds that Dick Cheney was conscious yesterday." —David Letterman

"A doctor on TV today said the reason this happened to President Bush is because he has lower than average blood pressure. Can't this guy ace one test in his life. All his numbers are lower than average." —Jay Leno

"Today coming to work, I saw one of those only in New York scenes. It was a rat who had passed out after choking on a pretzel." —David Letterman

"Earlier today, Bush's cabinet told him that they had nothing to do with helping Enron. Bush had trouble swallowing that as well." —David Letterman

"Over the weekend, the President passed out after choking on a pretzel. Better than the old days, when he used to choke on vowels. Remember that?" —Jay Leno

"I guess what happened was, Bush passed out, banged his head on a table, then came to a few seconds later. Today Bush said it was just like being back in college." —Jay Leno

"My favorite thing about this so far is that on MSNBC the other day they were calling President Bush's dogs heroes, because they 'kept guard' over him while he was passed out. The dogs aren't heroes, they were just waiting to see how long he would be passed out, so they could steal his pretzels and eat them." —Jay Leno

"They are taking this pretty seriously. White House staffers spent all day yesterday child-proofing the residence." —Jay Leno

"They ran to get Dick Cheney, and they realized nobody could remember the undisclosed location he was hiding in." —Jay Leno

"I told a joke to the audience last night and it triggered their Vagus nerve and they all passed out." —David Letterman

"This is exactly the sort of accident that befalls Homer Simpson, night after night." —The London Daily Telegraph, in an editorial explaining why the pretzel incident proves Bush is a "man of the people"

"Chew slowly." —A note scrawled on a big bag of pretzels that President Bush sent back to the press cabin on Air Force One, a day after he fainted after choking on a pretzel

"Mother, I should have listened to you. Always chew your pretzels before you swallow" —President Bush

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