The empirical formula of these jokes are made of Cobalt, Radon, and Yttrium:
Q: What do you get when you mix iron, bromine, uranium, argon, and yttrium?
Q: How would a magic show by W.A. Spooner be like an experiment by B.F. Skinner?
A: It would involve pulling a habit out of a rat.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape?
A: Elephant x Grape x sin(theta
Q: What do you get when you cross an Elephant and a mountain climber?
A: You can't cross a vector and a scaler!
Q: What's the value of a contour integral around Western Europe?
A: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe.
Q:What did the lion do to the particle physicists?
A:It lepton him!
Q: Where does bad light go?
A: To a prism.
Q: What does a molecular biologist and a porn star have in common?
A: they both get paid to remove their genes!
Q: What's the volume of a pizza of thickness a and radius z?
A: Pi zz a
A man is ambling along when he sees a series of resistors lying in his neighbor's garden. Confused, he walks up to his neighbor and asks her about it. She smiles sheepishly and says, "I have a lot of Garden Ohms, I know.
Power, Work, and Energy are walking along when suddenly someone walks up and kicks energy. All three fall down in agony.
"Hey!" yells energy, "I'm the one that got hit, not you guys! Why are you moaning?"
"Are you kidding?" Yells Power. "We just got kicked in the Joules!"
Q:What did the rock say to the geologist?
A:Do not take me for granite.
What does a chemist do when he sees a fire? He calculates the heat of reaction and synthesizes a suitably endothermic reaction to put it out.
Two protons walk into a bar talking about a mutual friend.
Proton: Did you hear Electron 7 got thrown into orbit an wasn't happy about it?
Proton 2: Yea, well. He's always been negative that way.
The Physicist, upon seeing all the waves, gets very excited and runs into the water, disappearing.
The Marine Biologist, aware of tremendous variety of marine life in the ocean, also gets very excited, and runs into the water, disappearing.
The Chemist pulls out her notebook, and writes "The Physicist and the Marine Biologist are soluble in water"
Q: While walking into a lab, how does one know which lab is it?...
A: -If it's green and wabbles - it's a biology lab.
- If it's stink - it's a chemistry lab
- And if it doesn't work - it's a physics lab...
Q: What happened to the molecular biologist who swallowed a beaker full of restriction endonucleases?
A:He came to a sticky end...
Chemistry is killing me: anytime I do a Diels-Alder reaction, I think I'm diene.
A fermi-function shared is a fermi-function halved.
Q: What did one lab rat say to the other?
A: "I've got my scientist so well trained that every time I push the buzzer, he brings me a snack.
Did you hear about the biologist who had twins? She baptized one and kept the other as a control!
Q: Why don't catholics pray for forgiveness when sitting down?
A: Because there's no syn elimination in the chair conformation!
Q: What did the receiver say to the radio wave?
A: Ow! That megahertz.
What people didn't know about Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz is that she always knew that throwing water on the Wicked Witch of the West would cause her to melt. Dorothy was a chemist and knew that the witch was acidic based on the following equation:
W1TCH + H2O --> W1TC- + H+
Q: What does a sperm do when he meets the egg of his dreams ?
A: He looses his head !
Q: Why did DNA go to old navy ?
A: His genes were splitting!
Hydrogen and Chlorine were chillin' in their dorm in Baltimore when Hydrogen suddenly said, "Let's go to California together!"
Chlorine replied, "Now that's an acid trip!"
Hydrogen is such a whore, it'll bond to anything!
Helium is such a prude.
Q: What is the difference between a Quantum Theorist and a Beauty
A: The Quantum Theorist uses Planck's Constant as a foundation,
whereas the Beauty Therapist uses Max Factor.
Q:What do you call a chemical rxn between zinc and arsenic?
A: A shocker!
The highest educational degree is actually quite basic. I mean, come on. It's pH D.
Scientist - "for my next experiment I intend to prove that neutrons have mass."
Langdon - "neutrons have mass? I didn't even know they were catholic"
The Name's Bond, Ionic Bond... taken, not shared
A small furry animal walks into a bar, orders a drink. Bartender looks at him, says "Sorry, the occupancy is 6.03x10^23. We cannot serve a mole."
Q: What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
A: A one molar solution.
Around the holidays a favorite carol around the lab is, "Oh chemis-tree, oh chemis-tree"
Two gases are talking to each other and they see another gas walk by. . .
gas 1: man that is the IDEAL gas
gas 2: eww you pvnrt!
Q:Why does e^x hate going to parties?
A:Because no matter how hard he tries, he always fails to integrate
Interrupting Coefficient of Friction.
Interupting Coefficient of Friction wh...
I wish I was Adenine so I can be paired with U!
*Pointed out correction to above*
I wish I was an adenine in an RNA molecule that does exhibit double stranded regions (eg tRNA), then you COULD pair with 'U'
A British fellow walks into a chemists shop, grabs a bottle of Adenosine TriPhosphate and tells the man at the counter that he'd like to buy it. The man behind the counter rings it up, then holds out his hand. "Alright, that'll be eighty P." (A-T P(ense))
A:Why c over lambda of course!!
Q:Why did the cow fall off the roof?
A:Because he lost his μ.
A little boy refused to run anymore. When his mother asked him why, he replied, "I heard that the faster you go, the shorter you become."
Two eyes walk in a bar. After sitting down, one eye says to the other, "between us, something smells."
Two Is walk in a bar, and one I says to the other, "between us, there's a covalent bond."
At NIH (National Institute of Health), there is a sign on the door of a microbiology lab that reads "STAPH ONLY!"
Outside his buckyball home, one molecule overheard another molecule saying, "I'm positive that a free electron once stripped me of an electron after he lepton me. You gotta keep your ion them."
Q: What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome?
A: Pull down its genes
There is a sign in Munich that says, "Heisenberg might have slept here."
When a third grader was asked to cite Newton's first law, she said, "Bodies in motion remain in motion, and bodies at rest stay in bed unless their mothers call them to get up."
It is reported that Copernicus' parents said the following to him at the age of twelve: "Copernicus, young man, when are you going to come to terms with the fact that the world does not revolve around you."
Q: What did the male magnet say to the female magnet?
A: From your backside, I thought you were repulsive. However, after seeing you from the front, I find you rather attractive.
Do you have mole problems? If so, call Avogadro at 602-1023.
Q: How many theoretical physicists specializing in general relativity does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate the universe.
Q: What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A: A ferrous wheel:
Here is a historical note: In the 1980's, in an effort to increase public awareness about the importance of chemistry, the American Chemical Society posted billboards with a picture of C6H10 and the title, "It takes alkynes to make a world."
Q: What did Donald Duck say in his graduate physics class?
A: Quark, quark, quark
If I were an enzyme, I'd be DNA helicase...that way I could unzip your genes.
From the public, his discovery brought cheers.
From his wife, it drew nothing but torrents of tears.
"For you see," said Ms. Halley,
"He used to cum daily;
Now he comes once every 70 years!"
So I was talking to Heisenburg the other day and I asked him, "Hows it going?" and he said, "Not so good..."
I asked "Why not so good?" and he said "Well.. it's the ladies.. I just cant get any!"
I said "Why not? I mean you'd think the ladies would be swarming you with international fame and all."
His reply was "Well, they are.. they are.. it's just when I've got the time I haven't got the energy and when I've got the energy I havent got the time...."
Some dates have called me a promotor. Others have referred to me as a real operator. Personally, I think I'm just a cute piece of DNA who is still looking for that special transcription factor to help me unwind
Q. Where does one put the dishes?
A. In the Zinc.
Two polypeptides are at a party. One walks up to the other and says, "hey baby, nice acid!"
Q:What is the difference between a physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician?
Engineer: If an engineer walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it on the fire and puts it out.
Physicist: If a physicist walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it eloquently around the fire and lets the fire put itself out.
Mathematician: If a mathematician walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he convinces himself there is a solution and leaves.
Q: Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak?
A: Because it's in the ground state.
Underaged Pb walks into a bar and the bartender tuns to the gold bouncer and says," Au, get the lead out!"
Q. What do you do when you find a dead chemist?
A small piece of ice which lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. "Bunsen! my flame! I melt whenever I see you" said the ice. The Bunsen burner replied :"It's just a phase you're going through".
Q:What weapon can you make from the elements potassium, nickel and iron?
Q:Why did the chicken cross the road?
Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends on your frame of reference.
There was an old lady called Wright
who could travel much faster than light.
She departed one day
in a relative way
and returned on the previous night.
Why did Carbon marry Hydrogen? They bonded well from the minute they met.
Q:If H20 is water what is H204?
A:Drinking, bathing, washing, swimming.
Q: How many theoretical physicists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: A theoretical physicist is one that is postulated to exist, but has never been actually observed in the laboratory.
Q:What's the difference between Chemistry and cooking?
A:In Chemistry,you should never lick the spoon.
Q:If a mole of moles, were digging a
mole of holes, what would you see?
A:A mole of molasses.
Q:What do you call a black bird's wife?
Q:What Io did before entering heaven?
Heisenberg is pulled over for speeding:
"Do you know how fast you were going?" the police officer asks, incredulously.
"No," replies Heisenberg, "but I know exactly where I am!"
Q: How many theoretical physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They can't change light bulbs but they can run expensive computer simulations which predict the lifetime of the bulb with order of magnitude accuracy.
Q:There's a bear in Alaska and a bear in Yosemite, which one drowns?
A:The one in Alaska because it's polar.
Two atoms are walking down the street.
Says one atom to the other, "Hey! I think I lost an electron!"
The other says, "Are you sure??"
"Yes, I'm positive!"
Little Willie was a chemist.
Little Willie is no more.
For what he thought was H2O,
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate!
A student recognizes Einstein in a train and asks: Excuse me, professor, but does New York stop by this train?
A neutron walks into a restaurant and orders a couple of drinks As she is about to leave, she asks the waiter how much she owes. The waiter replies, "For you, No Charge!!!"
A mosquito cried out in pain:
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
The cause of his sorrow
Teacher: What is the formula for water?
Student: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O
Teacher: That's not what I taught you.
Student: But you said the formula for water was...H to O.
The experimentalist comes running excitedly into the theorist's office, waving a graph taken off his latest experiment. 'Hmmm,' says the theorist, 'That's exactly where you'd expect to see that peak. Here's the reason (long logical explanation follows).' In the middle of it, the experimentalist says 'Wait a minute', studies the chart for a second, and says, 'Oops, this is upside down.' He fixes it. 'Hmmm,' says the theorist, 'you'd expect to see a dip in exactly that position. Here's the reason...'.
A sign outside the chemistry hotel reads "Great Day Rates, Even Better NO3-'s"
Famous last words
Nuclear physicist: See, cold fusion does not work.
Nuclear physisist: What was the critical mass, exactly?
Physisist: And now we reach absolute zero.
Astronomer: That asteroid won't hit the Earth.
Chemist: And now the tasting test.
Chemist: And now a little bit from this...
Chemist: And now shake it a bit.
Chemist: Why is there no label on this bottle?
Chemist: In which glass was my mineral water?
Chemist: Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!?
Chemist: First the acid, then the water...
Chemist: Oh no, wrong beaker...
Microbiologist: These bacteria cannot live outside the substrate.
Field biologist: They never attack humans.
Murphy's Ten Laws for String Theorists:
(1) If you fix a mistake in a mathematical superstring calculation, another one will show up somewhere else.
(2) If your results are based on the work of others, then one such work will turn out to be wrong. (3) The longer your article, the more likely your computer hard disk drive will fail while you are typing the references.
(4) The better your research result, the more likely it will be rejected by the referee of a journal; on the other hand, if your work is wrong but not obviously so, it will be accepted for publication right away.
(5) If a result seems to good to be true, it is unless you are one of the top ten string theorists in the world. (By the way, these theorists refer to their results as "string miracles".)
(6) Your most startling string-theoretic theorem will turn out to be valid in only two spatial dimensions or less.
(7) When giving a string seminar, nobody will follow anything you say after the first minute, but, if miraculously someone does, then that person will point out a flaw in your reasoning half-way through your talk and what will be worse is that your grant review officer will happen to be in the audience.
(8) For years, nobody will ever notice the fudge factors in your calculations, but when you come up for tenure they will surface like fish being tossed fresh breadcrumbs.
(9) If you are a graduate student working on string theory, then the field will be dead by the time you get your Ph.D.; Even worse, if you start over with a new thesis topic, the new field will also be dead by the time you get your Ph.D.
(10) If you discover an interesting string model, then it will predict at least one low-energy, observable particle not seen in Nature.
In summary, anything in string theory that theoretically can go wrong will go wrong, but if nothing does go theoretically wrong, then experimentally it is ruled out.
Ten little known facts about relativity:
(1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
(2) Energy equals milk chocolate square (attributed to Albert E. Hersey)
(3) Delivery of Christmas gifts by Santa to the children of the world is now accomplished by riding Rudolf the red-shift reindeer.
(4) The general relativity theory of gravitation is responsible for people falling in love.
(5) The speed of an IRS tax refund is constant.
(6) Anger is neither created nor conserved but only changed from one form to another.
(7) The speed of time is one second per second, which is also called the fundamental unity.
(8) Death and taxes are the same for all constantly moving observers.
(9) Moving midgets are shortened.
(10) Divorce and alimony are equivalent but the latter is multiplied by an enormous factor.
Question: What is "IT"?
Geologists do IT on the ground.
Astronomers do IT all night.
Chemists do IT by bonding.
Chemists also do IT on a table, periodically.
Newton did IT with force.
Eighteenth century physicists did IT with rigid bodies.
Maxwell did IT with magnetism.
Analytical Chemists do it with precision and accuracy.
Volta did IT with a jolt.
Watt did IT with power.
Joule did IT with energy.
Ohm did IT with resistance.
Pascal did IT under pressure.
Hooke did IT using springs.
Coulomb got all charged up about IT.
Hertz did IT frequently.
Boltzmann did IT in heat.
Ampere let IT flow.
For Franklin, IT was an electrifying experience.
Edison claims to have invented IT.
When Richter did IT, the Earth shook.
For Darwin, IT was natural.
Freud did IT in his sleep.
Mendel studied the consequences of IT.
When Wegener did IT, continents moved.
Classical physicists do IT in perfectly uniform harmonic motion.
Heisenberg was never sure whether he even did IT.
Bohr did IT in an excited state.
Pauli did IT but excluded his friends.
Schrödinger did IT in waves.
Bose did IT with partners.
Einstein did IT on a curved surface.
Oort did IT in a cloud.
Hubble did IT in the dark.
Watson and Crick got all wound up about IT.
Cosmologists do IT in a big bang.
Theorists do IT on paper.
Wigner did IT in a group.
Richter and Ting did IT with charm.
Astrophysicists do IT with young starlets.
Planetary scientists do IT with Uranus.
Electron microscopists do IT 100,000 times.
Feynman did IT in fields.
Hawking wrote a brief history of IT.
And super symmetric theorists do IT with sleptons.
Soil chemists do IT dirty.
Answer: IT = science, of course.