1. Chuck Norris made you read this!
2. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
3. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
4. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
5. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good
Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
6. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
7. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
8. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
9. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
10. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.
11. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
12. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
13. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
14. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
15. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
16. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
17. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
18. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
19. Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
20. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
21. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
22. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
23. Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer. it's a shame he never cries...never.
24. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a
stripper in it.
25. Chuck Norris sweats Snapple.
26. Chuck Norris runs with scissors and other people get hurt.
27. Chuck Norris has a pet kitten - every night for a snack.
28. When Chuck Norris plays Tetris, the game runs out of pieces to give him.
29. Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, He decides what time it is.
30. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
31. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
32. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
33. Chuck Norris once punched a woman in the vagina because she didn't give exact change.
34. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, roundhouse kicked everyone in the face who had a poped collar, drank two kegs, and shit on the living room carpet. Just because he's Chuck Norris.
35. The Chinese had two ideas to keep the Mongols out. Sadly, Chuck Norris works for no man so they had to settle on the Great Wall.
36. A blind guy stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe and Chuck Norris yelled at him. The sound of Chuck Norris' voice enabled him to see. Unfortunately the first and last thing he saw was a fatal roundhouse kick to his face.
37. Chuck Norris used to be pro-life- then he started eating babies.
38. Children wear Superman pajamas, but Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas
39. Chuck Norris doesn't need a key to unlock his door he just threatens it and it unlocks.
40. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
41. If you can see Chuck Norris he can see you. If you can't see him you may be seconds away from death.
42. One guy told Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks were not the most efficient way to kick people. This was recorded as the biggest mistake in history.
43. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
44. Cars were invented as a way to run from Chuck Norris, and then Chuck Norris invented the car accident.
45. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
46. Chuck Norris and Fabio once got into a fight over the "I can't believe its not butter" product. Chuck decided that it was butter, but Fabio wouldn't listen. BIG MISTAKE. Chuck kicked Fabio in the forehead killing him instantly. Chuck then dragged Fabio around town by his hair because he is Chuck Norris.
47. Chuck Norris masturbates to pictures of himself.
48. In a recent survey of the U.S. 94% of females lost their virginity to Chuck Norris, the other 6% were either extremely fat or ugly.
49. Ghosts are acutally the result of Chuck Norris killing people faster then death can process them.
50. Chuck Norris has VIAGRA eye drops just so he looks Hard.
51. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story; Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
52. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
53. Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
54. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
55. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity." then you are dead wrong.
56. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
57. Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl
in the stadium.
58. When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
59. Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.
60. Chuck Norris uses pepper spray for lube.
61. Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
62. Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.
63. There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
64. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
65. Chuck Norris knows everything except for the definition of mercy.
66. Google won't search for Chuck Norris, because it knows that you dont find Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris Finds you.
67. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
68. Chuck norris is the only man alive to beat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
69. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry. The man ate a fucking Indian.
70. This one time, my car broke down in the middle of nowhere. Several hours later, a car pulled up and out got Chuck Norris. Without a word, he urinated in the gas tank, and left. The car has since done 13,000 miles and I have yet to refill it...
71. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee. The result is Jet Li and Jackie Chan.
72. If it weren't for Chuck Norris, we could mess with Texas.
73. Chuck Norris once roundhoused kicked his son for pissing him off. He then brought him back to life and roundhoused kicked him again for dying.
74. Chuck Norris developed the c section when he roundhouse kicked his way into the world.
75. A young boy once screamed Chucks name because he doubted that Chuck would really answer his call. Chuck Norris showed up and fatally roundhouse kicked his entire family to death...but atleast he got to see Chuck Norris.
76. Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
77. Chuck Norris doesn't teabag. He potato-sacks.
78. Chuck Norris won a staring contest with the Sun.
79. If you're wondering who your father could be...its probably Chuck Norris.
80. Chuck Norris killed the producers of the movie "BrokeBack Mountain" for stealing the name of the pile of dead ninjas in his backyard.
81. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in an hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
82. Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerkey.
83. Chuck Norris doesnt grow hair on his balls because hair doesnt grow on steel.
84. Chuck Norris once visited The Virgin Islands. They are now known as The Islands.
85. Chuck Norris enjoys knitting sweaters, and by knitting I mean punching and by sweaters I mean babies.
86. Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong to a "Who has more testicles" contest... Chuck Norris won by five.
87. When Chuck Norris is having sex he's always on top because Chuck Norris never fucks up.
88. The bible was originally entitled 'Chuck Norris and Friends'
89. Every year, during tax season, Chuck Norris sends in blank tax sheets and a picture of himself crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has never had to pay taxes.
90. Chuck Norris never charges for his acts of violence. They are always completely gratuitous.
91. Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
92. Chuck Norris played russian roulette with a loaded gun and won.
93. Chuck Norris once went to Burger King, where he ordered a Big Mac, and got one.
94. Chuck Norris' girlfriend once asked Chuck Norris 'how much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood' Chuck norris exclaimed "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" before roundhouse kicking her head off and screaming 'DON'T FUCK WITH CHUCK'. 2 years and 5 months later, realizing the irony of his statement, Chuck Norris laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast became deaf.
95. Chuck Norris once decided to dress as a whuss for haloween, so he shaved his beard and wore lose fitting pants. When a homeowner would ask if Chuck Norris would like some smarties Chuck would scream 'i loathe smarties' before roundhouse kicking the homeowner in the face. By the third house Chuck Norris' beard had grown back. This will go down in history as the worst haloween costume ever. Chuck norris was 43 at the time.
96. Chuck Norris doesn't need to do anything for a Klondike Bar.
97. A bear once tried to attack Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris then showed the bear his fist, and the bear proceeded to eat itself, because it would be a less painful way to die.
98. Jesus wears a "Chuck Norris is my homeboy" t-shirt.
99. Chuck Norris CAN upload pornography to facebook.
100. Chuck Norris invented all the colors, except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
101. As a matter of fact, Chuck Norris takes a lickin' every day of his life. Soon afterward, he zips up his pants and the girl pays him.
102. My dad hates Chuck Norris. For some reason, he no longer wants to have anything to do with that motherfucker.
103. If at first you don't succeed, then you are obviously not Chuck Norris.
104. Chuck Norris is currently suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
105. Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
106. Chuck Norris doesnt believe in Germany.
107. "Chuck Norris can eat an apple and shit fruit salad."
108. "Chuck Norris can speak braille."
109. When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he is telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
110. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer.
111. I'm sick of the "What would happen if Chuck Norris ran out of women to have sex with and had sex with a guy", Chuck Norris would never fuck a dude because thats just fucking gay. Chuck Norris always finds bitches to fuck because he's Chuck Norris.
112. Chuck Norris uses newspaper bags for condoms.
113. Chuck Norris' girlfriend once gave him the nickname "7-11". It referred first to the length of Chuck's penis - limp - and then to his full length. This was in second grade.
114. Chuck Norris ALWAYS wins a game of Connect Four in three moves or less.
115. Every year, on his birthday, Chuck Norris selects one lucky orphan to be thrown into the sun.
116. Chuck Norris fucked the internet, and internet porn was born.
117. A walker aids old people in moving about. A "Walker, Texas Ranger" does even more: he emparts the sweet embrace of death.
118. The only man who ever outsmarted Chuck Norris was Stephen Hawking, and he got what he deserved.
119. Chuck Norris was once a weatherman but was fired for always predicting a 100% chance of pain.
120. As a teenager, Chuck had sex with and impregnated every woman in a small nunnery tucked away into the hills of Tuscany, in Italy. Nine months later, those nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only unbeaten and untied team in NFL history.
121. When Chuck Norris plays cards roundhouses beat fullhouses.
122. Chuck Norris' penis is the size of one baby whale.
123. When Chuck Norris was born, the doctor thought he had 3 legs.
124. Chuck Norris's favorite number of planets was eight, therefore Pluto no longer exsists.
125. When Chuck Norris pisses he clogs the toilet.
126. The best part of waking up isn't Folger's in your cup. It's the fact that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
127. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
128. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.
129. When Chuck Norris began his "Kick Drugs Out of America" program in 1990, he would simply roundhouse kick the drugs out of the system of anyone on them. They would either a) be cured and accept Chuck Norris as their savior, or b) overdose on roundhouse kicks.
130. Everytime Chuck Norris smiles, a dying man is saved. Ironically, he only smiles after killing someone.
131. "The Incredible Hulk" is the nick name for Chuck Norris's package.
132. Chuck Norris doesn't ask permission, he grants it.
133. Chuck Norris' beard has three Superbowl rings.
134. Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as "acts of God."
135. At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist.
136. Chuck Norris circumcised himself. At birth. With his bare hands.
137. If Chuck Norris looks at you and even THINKS about Jesus, you are immediately converted to Christianity.
138. Chuck Norris viciously attacks Bill Gates anytime he needs lunch money.
139. A recent poll discovered 93% of women think about Chuck Norris during sex. A similar poll discovered Chuck Norris thinks about Chuck Norris 100% of the time during sex.
140. Chuck Norris swallowed a Rubik's Cube and pooped it out solved.
141. Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd.... no one fools Chuck Norris.
142. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
143. Chuck Norris can talk about fight club.
144. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Jesse Jackson so many times that he became pregnant and gave birth to Kanye West.
145. Chuck Norris once broke a mirror on a black cat under a ladder on Friday the thirteenth. That was the day he won the lottery.
146. Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you...Fourty seven times.
147. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.
148. Scientists once tried to create a vibrator that could simulate the power of Chuck Norris's penis....the result was a baseball bat tied to a jackhammer.
149. Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.
150. Chuck Norris covers his Slip 'n' Slide with gravel.
151. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
152. Chuck Norris visits an active volcano every morning to get some of "the best damn espresso on Earth".
153. Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.
154. Midway was going to make a new mortal combat game where you played as Chuck Norris. They cancelled it because the game was too easy, all the moves ended in a fatal roundhouse kicks to the face.
155. Chuck Norris built Rome in a day.
156. Chuck Norris doesn't breathe. Air hides in his lungs for protection.
157. Chuck Norris' circumcized foreskin is used as the rain tarp for Yankee's Stadium.
158. When Chuck Norris visited God in heaven, God asked him "can i help you?" and Chuck Norris told him " get the fuck out of my seat"
159. Helen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
160. Chuck Norris once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!
161. Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.
162. The gayest thing Chuck Norris has ever done is a twenty-five person orgy including twenty-four women and himself.
163. Chuck Norris doesnt take showers....he takes blood baths.
164. Chuck Norris doesn't get 'crabs.' He gets LOBSTERS.
165. While the average human male has about 6 quarts of blood, Chuck Norris has 8. The extra quarts are so he doesn't pass out everytime he gets a boner.
166. There's no such thing as tornadoes, Chuck Norris just doesn't like trailer parks.
167. There are no weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq. Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
168. Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn't Jesus’ birthday. Jesus was to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus' birthday.
169. Chuck Norris doesnt have pubic hair, he has a groin beard.
170. Chuck Norris's sperm cures AIDS. he's now in Africa having sex with every women.
171. Every year, Chuck Norris has to reregister every part of his body as a weapon of mass destruction.
172. Chuck Norris once got in a knife fight. The knife lost.
173. Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
174. Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 4 days.
175. Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar instantly exploded because the amount of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
176. Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.
177. And God said let there be light. And Chuck Norris said "say please"
178. If you spell Chuck Norris in scrabble, its an automatic win.
179. Chuck Norris coined the phrase "I could eat a horse!" after he ate every unicorn in existence.
180. Everytime you masterbate Chuck Norris kills a Canadian.
181. Chuck Norris goes fishing by cutting himself and swimming in shark infested waters.
182. Chuck Norris taught his dog how to pick up its own shit because Chuck doesn't take shit from anyone.
183. Chuck Norris masturbates with a monkey wrench and a blow torch.
184. Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
185. Chuck Norris shits lightsabers.
186. Chuck Norris invented water.
187. Rosa Parks was saving her seat for Chuck Norris.
188. With the high price of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking problem.
189. Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery."
190. Chuck Norris's penis has a hemi.
191. Chuck Norris kills Harry Potter in the seventh book.
192. Chuck Norris once partook in a pissing contest outside of a bar. His opponent drowned.
193. Zeus stands for Chuck Norris in Greek.
194. Chuck Norris once patented his pubic hair as "Love Potion #9".
195. Chuck Norris once had sex with a retarded midget, the result was John Madden.
196. Adam and Eve ate an apple. Chuck Norris ate Adam and Eve.
197. Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.
198. Chuck Norris once pet a domesticated dog, the result is a pitbull.
199. Everybody loves Raymond.... except Chuck Norris.
200. Chuck Norris does not die. He merely transforms into a better version of himself. However, that in and of itself is impossible.
201. The magic word is please as in "please don't kill me", too bad chuck norris doesn't believe in magic.
202. Everytime Chuck Norris hears the term ‘Virgin’ Mary he laughs out loud…enough said.
203. Early in his career, Chuck Norris made money winning three-legged races by himself.
204. Girls need mountain climbing equipment to give head to Chuck Norris.
205. The gayest thing Chuck Norris has done is roundhouse kick someone barefoot.
206. Chuck Norris beat a goldfish in a staring contest. Twice.
207. There are no re-runs of Walker Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris tapes them live on location everyday.
208. Chuck Norris bless GOD.
209. Chuck Norris refuses to play SORRY because he never is.
210. When asked if he prayed to god. Chuck Norris replied "Yeah I talk to myself all the time"
211. Women have to blind fold themselves while having sex with Chuck Norris because the size of Chuck Norris' penis makes u go blind.
212. Chuck Norris invented the spoon, because killing people with a knife was just to easy.
213. Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.
214. Chuck Norris invented drinking out of the carton.
215. Chuck Norris once made a paper airplane, he then gave it to the Wright brothers.
216. Some people say Chuck Norris wears red sneakers. They're wrong. Chuck Norris has a 2-inch slab of callous of every surface of his feet that are permanently stained in blood.
217. Anyone can tell you, the fastest way to a man's heart is Chuck Norris's fist.
218. Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.
219. Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.
220. If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
221. Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer. Why? Because Chuck Norris is never wrong.
222. Chuck Norris eats stingray barbs for breakfast.
223. After sex Chuck Norris doesnt smoke, instead he kills a baby.
224. Chuck Norris’s victims have been owned more times than goodwill clothing.
225. Chuck Norris's blood type is WD-40.
226. Chuck Norris played a grand piano in a marching band!
227. Chuck Norris never did homework when he was a kid. The teachers knew better than to assign Chuck Norris homework.
228. The secret to eternal life is an IOU note from Chuck Norris.
229. Shooting stars are just victims Chuck Norris just roundhouse kicked into the sun...
230. Chuck Norris Goes to church on Sunday to tell God what else he wants.
231. Moses didn't free the Jews Chuck Norris did.
232. Chuck Norris doesnt need a house, your house is his house.
233. Chuck Norris once pulled a bus full of school
children teetering over the edge of a cliff back onto
the road with his bare hands, saving everybody inside.
Even as they cheered, he screamed, "I'm not your
savior!" and headbutted the bus over the edge,
sending them all to their horrible doom.
234. It is impossible to be raped by Chuck Norris because that would mean you did not want it to happen.
235. Chuck Norris can take a number 2 standing up.
236. Chuck Norris still hasn’t gotten one jeopardy question wrong, Jesus has missed two.
237. It took five women three years to give birth to Chuck Norris.
238. Chuck Norris knows the secret to world peace, He just thinks its more fun to kill people.
239. Some dumbass gave Chuck Norris a sweater for Christmas. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked this person to death and then regifted the sweater.
240. When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
241. Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11…. a suicide.
242. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes just so he can beat the shit out of little kids.
243. Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game throwing nothing but gutterballs.
244. Chuck Norris invented handicaped people.
245. Chuck Norris can lick his own elbow.
246. People don't really commit suicide. They're just trying to beat Chuck Norris to the punch.
247. Chuck was watching tv one day and saw the “Trix are for Kids” commercial, he hated it so much that for the rest of the day he punched every kid in the face he saw and said “Trix are for Chuck Norris!”
248. Chuck Norris brought sexyback way before Justin did.
249. Chuck Norris is the reason why babies grow INSIDE the mother's womb.
250. Chuck Norris's cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
251. Chuck Norris does not show up in anyones dream. He shows up in their nightmares.
252. Chuck Norris’ action figure has slept with more women then most men.
253. Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave, because revenge is a dish best served cold.
254. Chuck Norris does not brush his teeth with a toothbrush and toothpaste. instead, he uses steel wool and hydrochloric acid.
255. Chuck Norris lives in a haunted house and the ghosts tell stories about him.
256. Jesus walked on water, Chuck Norris walked on Jesus.
257. When telemarketers call Chuck Norris at home, he tells them to go fuck their mothers and they always do out of fear.
258. Kobayashi can eat 97 Krystal Hamburgers in 8 minutes. Chuck Norris can eat 97 Kobayashis in 8 seconds. Without water. Or chewing.
259. Chuck Norris eats emo children.
260. The longest staring contest recorded in history was between Chuck Norris and his reflection... he still won.
261. Chuck Norris once drank an entire gallon of liquid LSD. Then he slept for 8 months straight. When he woke up, he rubbed his eyes and said, "All in all, I prefer gin."
262. Chuck Norris was so ashamed of producing such jewish child that he made the woman he had sex with to never say anything about it. We know this child as Jesus, the mother Mary.
263. Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.
264. Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
265. Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.
266. Any one can pee on the floor but only Chuck Norris can poop on the ceiling.
267. Chuck Norris is suing the Bubble Tape company because "6 Feet of Fun" is the trademark name for his penis...
268. Chuck Norris once round house kicked the down-syndrom out of 13 year old boy.
269. Chuck Norris puts the 'fun' in funeral.
270. What many people dont know is Chuck Norris is the founder of planned parenthood. Not even unborn children can escape his wrath.
271. Chuck Norris can eat six saltines in one minute.
272. Chuck Norris is all 99 of Jay-z's problems.
273. Chuck Norris survived an abortion.
274. God has a beard so he can be like his idol Chuck Norris.
275. It's a proven fact that everytime you masterbate Chuck Norris punches a baby Mexican in the face.
276. They say that behind every man is a good woman.The only thing behind Chuck Norris is a trail of dead bodies...The women are in front of Chuck Norris, bent down doggy-style.
277. When Chuck Norris has sex with women his orgasm is so powerful it blows another hole through her.
278. Chuck Norris likes to get a good night's sleep...with as many women as possible.
279. Chuck Norris is the Godfather. Anyone who tells you otherwise is already in a bodybag.
280. Chuck Norris can never be a porn star because he will drown the girl with his money shot!
281. Once Chuck Norris was stopped on the street by a homeless war vet asking for a hand. Norris asked, "How about a foot?" and proceeded to roundhouse kick the man through the side of the building across the street.
282. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars, that's why there are no signs of life there.
283. Chuck Norris' IPod selection is 7 days worth of long blood curdling screams and crying.
284. Chuck Norris doesn't need to wait for his facebook group to reach 300,000 ( Brody Ruckus) members for his girlfriend to allow a threesome to be videotaped, its just known that it will happen whenever Chuck wants.
285. Chuck Norris is his own grandfather.
286. Chuck Norris ate the cow that jumped over the moon.
287. Chuck Norris claims he’s colorblind. just in case he roundhouse kicks a black guy he cant be considered racist.
288. Chuck Norris fought City Hall and won.
289. Chuck Norris can kick the dogshit out of a cat.
290. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
291. Chuck Norris finished singing the song that never ends.
292. Entering your name as Chuck Norris will give you automatic high scores in any video game...
293. Chuck Norris is so manly that if you see his penis and are not attractd to it you are considered gay.
294. It's true Chuck Norris did have a son, that man is now known as the MILF Hunter
295. Chuck Norris put those mothafuckin snakes on that mothafuckin plane!
296. Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom.
297. Chuck Norris took a math test and put down "violence" for every answer and got a perfect score. Chuck Norris solves all his problems with violence.
298. The only time Chuck Norris ever laughs is when a Vietnamese family is begging for their lives.
299. Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
300. Chuck Norris does not use a condom.... there is NO protection from Chuck Norris.
301. Chuck Norris know's Victoria's secret.
302. Lightning is said not to be able to strike in the same place twice...Chuck Norris can...
303. The truth is, Chuck Norris has been dead for over a thousand years.....but the Grim Reaper is too scared to tell him.
304. The word "fuck" actually derived from the phrase "Flying Chuck" as it was abbriviated to get the words out quicker...this is what people would exclaim right before getting a flying roundhouse kicked to the face by Chuck Norris...
305. Legend has it that if you suvive a roundhouse kick to the face from Chuck Norris he will grant you 3 wishes....good luck with that...
306. Chuck Norris was born with an evil twin, but as soon as they exited the womb Chuck Norris killed his twin with a roundhouse kick to the face saying, "There can only be one Chuck Norris".
307. In a new law enacted by congress, all schools now have suicide kits in all rooms. The directions begin with "in case of Chuck Norris"...
308. The entire film "Anaconda" was filmed in Chuck Norris' pants.
309. Chuck Norris screams his own name during sex.
310. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
311. Just for fun, Chuck Norris crashes through the Koolaid Man's wall shouting "Oh, Yeah!"
312. Spermicidal cream is actually Chuck Norris' semen. His semen has the capibility to destroy other mens' semen.
313. Not even light can escape a black hole...but Chuck Norris can.
314. "P is for Chuck Norris...as well as every letter in the alphabet."
315. When asked if he wants to have children, Chuck Norris replies, "No thanks. I'm full". He then proceeds to roundhouse kick you in the face.
316. Chuck Norris' orgasm registers on the Richter Scale.
317. Chuck Norris is currently suing Staples for taking what he says after scoring a woman as their motto. Staples: "That was easy."
318. Chuck Norris kills emo kids and eats them for lunch on Sunday afternoons.
319. Chuck Norris invented the sleeper hold while in college and used it as foreplay.
320. When u play rock paper scissors with Chuck Norris... a roundhouse kick beats everything.
321. "Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield."
322. Chuck Norris says pokemon are real and taste great with a little miracle whip.
323. Chuck Norris' dandruff is 100% pure cocaine.
324. Chuck Norris rips ass in Dolby 5.1 Surround Sound(TM)!
325. Chuck Norris knows exactly what stayed in Vegas.
326. Chuck Norris' pubic hair is one of the 11 herbs and spices in KFC.
327.Some people received blood from Chuck Norris through a transfusion at the Red Cross. They are now known as the X-Men.
328. Chuck Norris uses his pinky to thumb wrestle.
329. If you're having sex and the girl says "OH CHUCK!" you know you are doing a good job.
330. Chuck Norris can hold a bank up over the phone.
331. The book 'War and Peace' is named after Chuck Norris' testicles.
332. There is an alternate ending to the quote, "Where there is life there is hope." It goes, "Unless Chuck Norris is around. Then you're fucked."
333. Chuck Norris's sperm could break the birth control barrier, penetrate through 13 condoms, an 8 foot thick concrete wall, and the 1975 Steelers defensive line....and still impregnate a woman!
334. Chuck Norris' penis has its own Senator, zip code, area code, Starbucks, and 5 exits off the 101 freeway.
335. Lesbians by definition are women who are only attracted to other women, there is however one exception..Chuck Norris.
336. One of Chuck Norris' used condoms was the inspiration for the Slip n' Slide.
337. When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
338. Chuck Norris doesn't believe in rubber condoms. Instead, he sticks his penis in a girl, and uses that girl as a condom while fucking another.
339. Chuck Norris faked his own death for eleven years! We know this period as the great depression..
340. Chuck Norris's penis has its own penis...and it is still bigger than yours.
341. Chuck Norris' edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.
342. Chuck Norris can bang a girl faster than her virginity can realize it's been taken.
343. Chuck Norris' mom called him Charles... once.
344. Chuck Norris fertilizes his grass with emo children so that it will cut itself.
345. "Playgirl magazine once asked Chuck Norris to appear naked in an issue, Chuck laughed at the opporunity saying “there isn’t enough paper in the world to contain my bearded member”. He then killed the editors simply by unzipping his pants."
346. "Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer."
347. "The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors and the pilot episode tape has been burned."
348."The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain." (The chief import of Chuck Norris is pleasure.)
349. Chuck Norris farts gale force winds.
350. The movie "The One" originally starred Chuck Norris proving the only man who could beat Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris, but the entire film crew heads blew up with awesomeness. Jet Li starred in the remake.
351. Water boils faster when Chuck Norris watches it.
352. Chuck Norris has a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
353. Chuck Norris stopped the Grinch from stealing Christmas...with one roundhouse kick to the face...
354. Chuck Norris has seen more pussy then the Humane Society.
355. Chuck Norris participated in Dancing with the Stars. His routine wasn't aired because it opened with an eloquent roundhouse kick to the face of his partner.
356. Chuck Norris asked Santa to give him Mrs. Claus... and on Christmas morning, she was right under his tree.
357. Chuck Norris shot 16 on a 18 hole golf course.
358. Chuck Norris can rhyme with orange.
359. Chuck Norris doesn't have to use guns. He does anyway to give everyone else a fighting chance.
360. Chuck Norris's mind and money are on Chuck Norris.
361. Chuck Norris answered 50 Cent's 21 Questions with one answer, a swift roundhouse kick to the face.
362. Chuck Norris doesn't swim, the water pushes him.
363. Chuck Norris has no reflection. He killed it because nobody should be as good looking as Chuck Norris.
364. Think of a hot girl... Chuck Norris did her.
365. Chuck Norris doesnt need to put the seat down after taking a piss.
366. If you talk during a movie Chuck Norris will choke you unconscious.
367. Chuck Norris broke the DaVinci Code...with his foot.
368. Chuck Norris eats Hotwheels cars and shits out Transformers.
369. When playing "rock, paper, scissors", Chuck Norris always uses roundhouse kick.
370. Chuck Norris was put on Santa's naughty list once...In retaliation Chuck round-house kicked Rudolf in the face and gave him the most famous nose bleed in history. After Rudolph's nose bleed, Santa's coat was stained red from all the blood. Since then, Santa has never dared to remove that coat because it's a reminder of the awesomeness of Chuck Norris.
371. Chuck Norris kills people with guns on occasion to prove that he has a gentle side, after all.
372. Chuck Norris will take your mother out on a date then never call her back!
373. Chuck Norris never bluffs.
374. Chuck Norris can see through blindfolds.
375. Chuck Norris’ kidney stones are gold nuggets…..and he ejects these voluntarily with a Norris “no problem” grin.
376. By law, Chuck Norris is no longer permitted to wear shoes because if he were to do so he could be charged with hiding weapons of mass destruction.
377. Chuck Norris smokes after sex. Not cigarettes, his penis literally smokes.
378. The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
379. Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb.
380. Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.
381. Chuck Norris can strike a match on a bar of soap.
382. If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister.
383. Chuck Norris makes his internal organs pay rent.
384. Chuck Norris doesn't chew gum. Chuck Norris chews tin foil.
385. Chuck Norris can make an armless man tap-out.
386. Chuck Norris does not own a house, he walks into random houses and people move.
387. Its not everyday that Chuck Norris purposely kills people, and by "not every day" I mean there has only been one day ever where he hasn't purposely killed someone. This was the day Chuck Norris lost his virginity and accidently killed 15 women with his cock, he was 4 years old.
388. Every new years Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks a baby into the sun and impregnates a woman to to symbolize the end of the old year and the beginning of a new one.
389. Chuck Norris once warned a small girl to be good "or else". The result? Mother Teresa
390. Chuck Norris's favorite after dinner drink is a molotov cocktail.
391. Chuck Norris shows his 'Happy Feet' by stomping on baby penguins.
392. The only sure things are Death and Taxes…and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.
393. McDonalds loves to see you smile, Chuck Norris loves to see you suffer.
394. Lions aren't the king of the jungle, Chuck Norris is.
395. Scientists claim the Big Bang Theory is what created the universe. Chuck Norris dismisses this theory as a bad case of gas.
396. Chuck Norris doesn't go to class but still gets perfect attendance.
397. Donald Trump once tried to say "Your fired!" to Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Trump which simualtaniously caused him to go bald and made a bad toupee get sewn onto his scull, never to be removed.
398. Every year I go to Chuck Norris' New Year's Eve party and EVERY year I nearly die of alcohol poisoning. And I don't even drink!
399. Chuck Norris will eat beef jerky shit a bullet to kill a cow and eat more beef jerky. This is known as the circle of life.
400. The menstruation cycle is Chuck Norris claiming his territory.
401. Chuck Norris impregnates women simply by staring at their breasts.
402. Chuck Norris was BAAAAAAAAAALLLINNNN" way before Jim Jones was.
403. When Chuck Norris heard about the Power Rangers, he destoyed them.... with one roundhouse kick in the face into the Sun. He said that there's only one ranger Earth can count on, and that's WALKER, TEXAS RANGER.
404. Chuck Norris could kill Jack Bauer in less than .24 seconds!
405. Chuck Norris sweats bullets... literally.
406. Chuck Norris tore Van Goghs ear off for being a whussy arty guy!! To make things worse he than mailed the ear to his new girlfriend, and by his i mean Chuck Norris's girlfriend. Watch out for Chuck Norris he can steal your bitch and claim ownership in less time than it takes to read this fact.
407. Bruce Lee could crush an apple with his bare hands but Chuck Norris can crush Bruce Lee's head with a roundhouse kick to the face!
408. In the word of Julius Caeser, Veni, Vida, Veci, Chuck Norris' translation: I came, I saw, I was roundhouse kicked in the face by Chuck Norris.
409. Chuck Norris has already found,killed, and crushed Osama Bin Laden's bones into dust and that's why the US Military can't find any trace of him in Afghanistan.
410. Chuck Norris told Donald Trump, "YOU'RE FIRED!" and killed both him and Rosie O'Donnel at the same time.
411.There are 342 parts of Chuck Norris body that he can kill you with. Chuck Norris can kill two people simultaneously with his nipple
412. Chuck Norris' mom could beat up your dad.
413. Chuck Norris gave his dad the lesson on the birds and the bees.
414. Every night at 8:00, a truck pulls up to Chuck Norris house. In the truck are a bunch of orphans. For the next half-hour, Chuck Norris practices roundhouse kicks on the orphans while Its a Hard Knock Life plays in the background. At the end of the session, the orphans say Thank you, Mr. Norris in perfect unison, then march into the truck in silence.
415. Chuck Norris saw evil, spoke evil, and heard evil. Then he gave evil a swift roundhouse kick to the face.
416. Chuck Norris paints his walls by throwing children at them.
417. Ice isnt cold water, its water that is scared still by Chuck Norris.
418. Nobody will ever know Chuck Norris last word because Chuck Norris will be the last person on earth.
419. Chuck Norris volunteers at retirement homes just so he can push old people in wheelchairs onto the freeway.
420. Chuck Norris has an ongoing feud with the Keebler elves. It started when they stole his idea for putting a kitchen in a tree. While the elves now make sugar cookies in the tree, Chuck's tree contains a fully functioning crystal meth lab.
421. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked cookie monster so hard he became vegetable monster.
422. The French tried to build a statue in dedication to Chuck Norris's penis. Actual size was impossible to match so the Eiffel Tower is just a to scale model.
423. Chuck Norris had sex with Nicole Kidman. 6 weeks later she prematurely gave birth to a Ford Excursion.
424. Chuck Norris' orgasms leave exit wounds.
425. Chuck Norris was the first negro to play baseball.
426. The Immancipation Proclamation was just a fancy phrase that meant everyone but Chuck Norris can have slaves.
427. Abraham Lincoln didn't free the slaves, it was Chuck Norris.
428. Chuck Norris uses Tabasco sauce for eye drops.
429. The lion was created when Chuck Norris raped his orange tabby.
430. Al Roker never had gastric bypass. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the SHIT out of him for being a fat ass.
431. If you're a girl, blink twice. Chuck Norris just had sex with you.
432. Chuck Norris built the hospital he was born in.
433. Chuck Norris once got a boner while lying on his stomach...he struck oil 9 miles below the soil.
434. Chuck Norris wipes his ass with intercepted kids letters to Santa.
435. Chuck Norris delivers more male with one thrust of his pelvis than the U.S. Postal Service and the Pony Express have combined for the last 146 years.
436. No matter how tough you are, when Chuck Norris takes a piss on your face, it is 600% guaranted you wont do shit.
437. Chuck norris ejaculates actual seamen.
438. Chuck Norris can split an atom with his bare hands. He holds on to this energy as a 'present' for the next little kid to ask for his autograph.
439. No one can catch their own shadow, except for Chuck Norris.
440. Chuck Norris' heart doesnt beat he beats it.
441. Chuck Norris graduated from MIT with 9.0 or, at least that's what he says. Question him. I dare you.
442. Angels bowling does not make thunder, chuck norris round house kicking angels makes thunder.
443. Chuck Norris is the KING of hopscotch. What are you looking at little girl?!
444. When Chuck Norris trips, the earth rotates itself so he stays on his feet.
445. In a fight between Darth Vader and Batman the winner would be Chuck Norris.
446. As a child, Chuck Norris never wet the bed. It was the bed that wet itself out of fear of Chuck.
447. Elvis isn't the King of Rock and Roll, Chuck Norris is.
448. Chuck Norris doesn't break dances, he kills them all.
449. Chuck Norris can build a house of cards and live in it.
450. Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Global Warming. He decides when the world gets too hot!
451. One time Chuck Norris was pulled over for drunk driving. He blew a 777%, but he passed the sobriety test and was let of with a warning. So was the police officer.
452. Michael Jordan did not lead the Chicago Bulls to 6 NBA championships. Chuck Norris did.
453. Chuck Norris doesnt breath. He takes air hostage.
454. One time Chuck Norris killed three people on his doorstep in less than .0002seconds with one swift roundhouse kick. After the incident, Chuck angrily stated "Damnit! When Chuck Norris says he doesn't want girl scout cookies, he means he doesn't want fucking girl scout cookies!"
455. The biblical flood was not caused by God, Chuck Norris had too much too drink and couldn't find a bathroom.
456. The universe is expanding at the speed of light. Scientists theorize that this is because the universe is trying to escape from Chuck Norris.
457. If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Chuck Norris comes after you.
458. Chuck Norris Farted. When he farted he sharted. The average man gets embarresed when sharting occurs, but no, not Chuck Norris, he promptly picked up an average man and wiped himself clean by way of a circular motion, then without wasting any time, he roundhouse kicked the bystander into the atmosphere!
459. Chuck Norris was recently pulled over for doing 70 in a 55...on a bicycle.
460. "Chuck Norris doesn't go to the gym because he's unwilling to work things out"
461. The most honorable way of dying is taking a bullet for Chuck Norris. This amuses Chuck Norris because he is bulletproof.
462. Chuck Norris thinks you suck, and knows your mom does.
463. Chuck Norris can make wood conduct electricity.
464. Chuck Norris built a snowman out of rain.
465. Chuck Norris leaves messages before the beep.
466. When Chuck Norris pisses into the wind...the wind changes direction.
467. Chuck Norris can impregnate a woman even after she has experienced menopause.
468. King Leonidus from 300 was destroyed by chuck norris with a blow up hammer from six flags.
469. Chuck Norris can punt a midget over three football fields in a row, and still make it land balanced on a golfing tee.
470. The opening 23 minutes of saving private ryan was loosly based on a game of dodgeball chuck participated in, in the 3rd grade
471. Chuck Norris doesn't play the lottery... it doesn't have nearly enough balls.
472. Chuck Norris doesn't break wind, he destroys it.
473. "Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you."
474. In the shower, Chuck Norris uses a handful of piranhas as soap.
475. The Predator is merely a collection of Chuck Norris’s toenail clippings that he left in the sun for 1 day.
476. Chuck Norris started at ONE, and counted UP to NEGATIVE infinity . . . NEGATIVE TWO TIMES!
477. Chuck Norris doesnt shave, he chisels. He uses red hot magma as cream, sharks with laser beams attached to their heads as razors, and liquid nitrogen as aftershave.
478. Sinead O'Connor wrote a song for Chuck Norris - 'nothing compares 2 u'. Chuck responded by roundhouse kicking that particular song into the charts, and every other song she's ever made into the garbage.
479. Chuck Norris is so fast he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
480. Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has dared to question his motives.
481. The scientific symbol for the deadly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. Also, it's the initials of Chuck Norris. This is no coincidence.
482. Chuck Norris has never had a heart attack. The heart hasn't the nerve to attack Chuck Norris.
483. Outer space is so enormous because most of the Universe is too scared to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.